My Short Story

Hi everyone, I decided to try my hand at some real writing. I wrote, what is right now, a short story. It is the premise for a longer story, but this is just the beginning. I thought I would post it here to try and get some feed back. Please enjoy and let me know what you think. Thanks.

Brian


HER - A Short Story


I saw her. How could I not? Even though the room was filled with hundreds of people all celebrating our most important victory in years, she was all I could see.

Her hair was the first, and easiest, part of her to notice. Thick, wavy red hair. Not strikingly red, but certainly not brunette or some horrid fake red that other dumb college girls try to get noticed. She wasn’t tall, but you would never know it the way she hovered angelically above the drunken masses. She appeared to have a great body, although it was covered with the kind of clothes one might wear to a Saturday night football game during a Louisiana October. I assumed the best.

I knew I had to meet her, but how? I sucked at talking to girls. I wasn’t a babbling idiot, but I never knew what to say. In hindsight, I know it was all due to my lack of self-esteem and fear of rejection. That and I was high. But I needed to figure out a way to meet her, get to know her, date her, marry her. This was going to take all of my skills.

My friend Clay was saying something to me, but I couldn’t hear him. I was too focused on her. I wanted to know who she was, what was her favorite song, did she like Mexican food? Clay kept talking, but I still couldn’t hear him. I couldn’t even remember that we had just beaten the #1 team in the country earlier that evening. She must be special because LSU football was more important to me than anything in the world and I had forgotten about one of the greatest victories in the history of our school.

I knew I had to do something. I had to at least say “Hi” to her. I mustered up all the courage I had in my intoxicated body, dismissed Clay’s ramblings and headed towards my love. Could I really do this? What if she told me to fuck off? I couldn’t handle that. My alcohol impaired emotions would be crushed by the rejection and the scornful giggles of her friends that were sure to follow. I was nervous and scared, but the thought of not meeting my wife sent shivering pains down my spine.

Over the intense speakers it began. The song that could unite us all. Our beloved fight song. The rhythmic overture that meant only two things, collegiate unity and free Jaegermeister at the bar. Yes, of course! That is exactly what I needed. More liquid encouragement. I made a b-line for an open spot at the increasingly crowded bar. I felt lucky to have gotten so close. It must be my night. The bartender hopped up on the beer slicked counter top and began filling the mouths of my drunken patrons Each of us dying of thirst having not had a sip of alcohol in seconds. My turn came and the bartender slid the familiar green bottle over my nervous mouth to ease its tension and filled me with the strength to overcome my insecurities. As my mouth began to overrun with the vile, but delicious nectar, I had a fleeting thought that maybe this much straight alcohol in my system on top of all the other substances I had ingested that evening, legal or not, was not a good idea, but it was much too late now. The bartender topped me off and moved on to the next screaming bird with an outstretched neck.

At this point, I had two choices: (1) spew what had to be four or five shots worth of Jaeger all over the bar embarrassing myself thoroughly but saving the part of my brain that controlled speech or (2) swallow every last bit of it and forge ahead with my plan, hoping I could muster some Shakespearean stanzas that would ensure my pending marriage.

I chose the latter seeing how public embarrassment right now would not do much for my cause. So, I swallowed it, all of it in one giant gulp. Instantly I knew my earlier thought was right. As the Jaeger began to mix with the rest of the pollutants in my body, a war broke out in my stomach. Quickly, the combatants, a mixture of beer, hard liquor and bong resin, thrashed violently, clashing inside not unlike a WWF Royal Cage
Death Match, except this was very real.

I began to sweat and became intensely worried. There were about a thousand things wrong with what was happening to me. Each scenario worse than its predecessor. If I stayed where I was, I was going to become quite ill all over the bar, a fate far worse than
just spitting out the Jaeger. I could try to make a break for the bathroom, but I would have to pass her along the way and she would most certainly know what was wrong with me. Not to mention it was impossible to get anywhere quickly in the bar after a game. If I thought I was nervous when I started this adventure, it was nothing compared to what I was feeling now.

My fate seemed to be sealed, but there was still no clear answer to my problem. In the past, having felt this way on numerous occasions before, I could only think of one solution. Try to conquer the internal strife. It was my only choice. Whenever I was about to throw up, my mouth always began to water uncontrollably. I leaned on the bar with my head slightly tucked so I could spit on the floor without looking like I was too drunk to be standing or, God forbid, like I was about to vomit.

I had thwarted vomiting before using this method of spitting a lot and I knew I had to now if I was going to be able to talk to her tonight. I had to. Who knows if I would ever see her again. As I spat on the floor adding to its filth, I tried to think of her face.

Despite my level of toxicity, I found it easy to vision her. The way her strawberry hair settled along the sides of her face, the sharp lines of her nose and the little mole just up and off the left corner of her thin, but shapely lips. She was beautiful. She was going to be my wife, I could feel it in my heart.

An eternity passed and eventually I felt as if I had a grasp on the situation. I had beaten the forces that surged inside of me and pushed them back past my burning esophagus down into my stomach. As my mouth watering decreased and I finally felt as I could face the world again, I snapped my head up in victory.

I snapped my head up way too fast! Everything that had settled in my stomach had now become a force that could not be reckoned with. It was going to happen right then and right there.

I quickly ducked my head down between my arms which were clinging to the bar. I no longer had the option of caring if anyone, especially her, saw me. I began throwing up on the floor all around my feet. Surely I was throwing up on the feet and legs of the people on either side of me, but there was nothing I could do at this point. I would have to deal with their wrath and the impending embarrassment when it was all over. It was not the biggest vomit of my life, but it had gotten the job done. When it was over, I rested for a second as the fear of what I was about to deal with sank in. The fight song having finally ended, I slowly lifted my head, this time, to face the anger and disgust.

No one was looking at me! Not the people on either side of me, not the people behind me, not any of the bartenders and especially not her. No one had seen me throw up my entire evening on the floor of the bar. I was shocked and amazed and relieved. So relieved, I didn’t bother telling anyone about the pending slippery law suit on the floor and just got the hell away from that spot. If no one saw me, who was to say that was my barf on the floor? All I knew was that the further away I was from the awfulness, the better off. I knew this was wrong and disgusting, but I didn’t care. At this point, it was much more important that no one knew anything about what I had just done.

As I retreated as quickly as my fellow patrons would allow, a different feeling of victory came over me. It was much different than what I had felt earlier after the game. It was more personal. I had been beaten by a foe, but came out on top. I liked this feeling. I felt strong and confident. Now was the time to meet her and talk to her. No one in the bar was braver than me. No one exuded the confidence I was beaming with. No one, that is, except for my breath which rapidly became apparent to me.

I couldn’t possibly talk to her now! Even though I was overflowing with confidence, my breath must of smelled like the inside of a welder’s glove. A welder that drank heavily and smoked an ass load of pot. I was upset by this reality and searched for a solution. Being where I was and without proper dental equipment, the only answer was to try and wash away the stank with what created it. More beer. I chose a new location at the bar to order my mouthwash.

Cleansing my breath was going to take a few rounds I knew, so I retreated to where my friends were congregated. I knew they wouldn’t notice my allure and if they did, they would most likely assume it to be their own. I drank at an upbeat pace while keeping one eye on her and faking interest in what was said around me.

Naturally, the more I cleansed, the drunker I got. My high had worn off, but drunk is much harder to get rid of. My confidence had worn thin and had lost the ability to effectively “hit” on a lady. This started to freak me out because I knew what I was missing out on. I was young and dumb (especially by this point), but I knew I was going to marry that girl and talking to her was a good first step. What the shell am I going to do now? Crap, even my thoughts were slurring.

And then, a fate worse than my breath. I saw her heading for the door. Shit. Am I blowing my one and only chance at true love here? Is this the moment that will keep me in therapy for years upon years? It can’t be. Spotting her in the bar was fate. Me throwing up at the bar a cruel side effect of my inhibitions. Do I let her go and find her another day? Do I rush after her and hurl myself into an awkward conversation in the parking lot with a captive audience of all her friends? Talking to her now certainly would prove a worse fate than letting her leave, wouldn’t it?

As she flowed out the door, her beautiful red hair bouncing gingerly on her shoulders, I stared until I couldn’t see her anymore. Then panic set in. “GO!!!” my inner voice screamed. Even though the voice inside my head usually led me astray when I was impaired, he sounded very convincing. I jumped up and bolted towards the door, bursting through and scanning the parking lot frantically. Where was she? Drunks, sorority girls, jackasses acting as if they were bad-asses, all blocking my view. Then I finally saw her. She was in the passenger seat of a car…pulling out of the lot. My heart sank with the weight of all my emotions.

What had I done? Was it all over? Was I doomed to a life of solitude?

No, it was fate that I saw her and it will be fate that would bring me to her again. I wouldn’t give up. It wasn’t that big of a campus. I would find her. I had to. She is my destiny.

Biblical Queeries

I'm back. I was away for a bit. So what? Wanna fight about it?

I was thinking about what little I know about the bible. So, no, not a lot of thought goes into this, but I had some questions that led to more questions and I needed to get it down on theoretical/theological paper.

A lot of crazy stuff happens in the old testament. Seas parting, bushes burning, clouds talking and loads of people buying it all. What happened to all that stuff? The buying it all stuff is definitely still happening, but people have become lazy. They are just assuming things now. If all that stuff did happen, why isn't it happening anymore?

The best we can get now is secondary characters appearing in a tortilla. Is heaven in a recession? Is God laying off angels up there?

For that matter, what would a laid off angel become? Is Hell their only other option? I am sure Lucifer is hiring. With all the sin, racism, anti-semitism, hate crimes, rape, murder, child pornography, gangs, pedophiles, adultery, incest and what not going on it would seem that there is more than enough devilship to go around.

Guess that makes me feel better to know that our winged friends will have work even though us less fortunate, non-glory living souls are stuck on this rock jobless, watching the unemployment rate skyrocket. Probably shouldn't of bought that skyrocket (tribute to Mr. Show). Maybe I should send a resume on down to Satan's HR reps? Is Hell PC or Mac?

WANTED: Hate mongering, satanical go-getter with excellent written and verbal communications skills needed for a role of a after-lifetime. No bonusses and benefits include eternal damnation. Must like warm weather.

But, I digress. Back to my original point...with all the crap we are going through in today's world, how come we can't get any real divine interventions? If the bible is accurate and true and not just a book of fiction that has been translated and rewritten hundreds of times, how can anyone not say it is a farce based on the lack of evidence?

Did the big G just decide that he had spoken enough to his creations? Now that science (oooh, scary word) has proven that humans have evolved to be smarter, are we too smart to accept the word of God? Would we overly interpret it too much so as to prove it as a coincidence? Yea, I think so.

Just some of the thoughts rumbling through my rental property just above my neck. Depending on where I am standing, it could be ocean front.

And now, WWJEFL (What Would Jesus Eat For Lunch).

Turn Your Head and Cough

After several year of wandering the earth cautiously, I am finally going to have health insurance again. It has been a scary adventure with my knack for injury, but I survived and now I can finally seek medical assistance for the world of issues I have.

So, heads up to all you doctor's out there. Internalists, dermatologists, ENT, psychologists, proctologists, gynecologists...I don't care. I am going to see all of you, vagina or not. You have been warned.

So many physicals.

To Air is Human

Both my kids farted on me this morning. That would normally be a sucky thing, but I know where they learned it from.

Duck

A new report shows that gun sales have increased since the election of Barack Obama.

I wouldn't worry. It takes a lot of planning to assassinate a president...so I'm told. I am pretty sure you can't go buy a gun and then just shoot him. You have to at least have a plan.

Guyroning

Adjust the ironing board to couch level so you can sit and watch football while you iron your clothes. Beer optional.

Career Day

Who is more excited about Career Day at their school this year than Obama's kids? How many kids can compete with them?

"Hey, what's your Dad do? Oh yea, he's a doctor? Nice. Yea, my Dad is President...of the United States!"

"Your Dads a lawyer. Whatever, my Dad's the leader of the free world. Bring it bitches."

The Strangest Thing

The strangest thing happened this morning. I woke up, America had elected a black President and everything was OK. I saw people going to work, people walking down the street in a normal walking fashion. There was no fighting, no murderous rampages, no apocalypse. Weird.

Look people, it is like this. In football, sometimes when things aren't working and the offense is not clicking, you need to make a change. You need to restructure so you can succeed. Sometimes you just need to change your quarterback. It's not always permanent, but it is sometimes necessary.

We'll be OK. We'll definitely be better off. Obama is no savior, but he is a good man that will get some things accomplished. Bear in mine though, he is just a politician like the rest of them. Some of the stuff he does will piss us off and some will be great. I don't see how there is anyone who can say we will not be better off than we have been for the last 8 years. Bush screwed us all and more importantly he screwed up our country. He will go down in history, I think, as the worst President we have every had. Way to go Bushy...this is your legacy.

Spamful Insight?

Should I be concerned that I have seen a recent surge in the amount of erectile dysfunction emails I am receiving?

Joe the Plumber Don't Know Where 5th Avenue Is!

It has been reported that the Republican National Convention has spent over $150K on Sarah Palin's wardrobe and hair. This at a time when Palin is trying to relate to the common American.

Last I checked, Saks 5th Avenue was not on Main Street. They could of spent $150 at Marshall's and gotten away with it.

Way to go Republicans! Congrats on showing Americans what is important to you in this struggling economy. Do you think Joe the Plumber is planning on spending any money on his wardrobe?

The McCain Campaign actually had the nerve to say, "With all the important issues facing the country right now, it's remarkable that we're spending time talking about pantsuits and blouses." THIS IS THE IMPORTANT ISSUE OF THE CAMPAIGN!!!

I F'ing cut my own hair you bastards.

The Last Stall

Ah the last stall in the bathroom. The last bastion of urban, commercial privacy. Even the pungent musk of an open air debris yard seems tolerable. A place where a man can be alone with his thoughts, his email, his game on his phone...giving way to a new definition of Blackberry.
Why am I so attracted to the last stall? Admittedly, I get excited on my potty break when I enter the lavatory and see it's door laying open oh so gently as if to welcome me home. I know there is no true privacy in a public bathroom, but there is something about the far toilet that gives you a since of solidarity. It is a place where a man is only identifiable by the shoes he is wearing.

Other than the door being closed, no one really knows for sure if you are in there. An embarrasing door check provides the only true answer followed by an awkward "Occupado." Patrons come and go, risking their own humility by breaking wind at the urinals or making noises that should be saved for deucing at home, taking a chance that they too are alone.

There is just something about that last stall that makes me feel secure and confident. It lends itself to brilliant ideas such as this one. I realize this is not my first post regarding the bathroom, but when you spend as much time there as I do...

And flush.

Cheney Goes to Hospital for Irregular Heartbeat

Apparently he felt one.

One of Those Days

Overall, having kids is a wonderful thing. It is without a doubt the best decision I have ever made. But some days, I have to wonder.

This morning was very rough for me. I am not a very patient person and in the mornings it is amplified. This is when having kids is particularly difficult.

We, as a family, were running late and I hate being late. My daughter was fussing about something minute and ridiculous. I believe she didn't want to wear the all purple outfit I had picked out (I thought she looked cute!). My son is running around knocking over everything and banging anything and everything onto the floor. There is a tremendous amount of noise and now my daughter is starting to cry. This only adds to my impatience.

I am walking a thin line now between freaking out and just leaving and letting my wife take the kids to their day cares. This last action would probably not allow me to come home anymore. Yet, I am still tempted!

OK, we got my daughter calmed down enough to stop crying, put on her backpack and head out the door. We have successfully caught my son and he is in my arms and we head to the auto.

Getting in the car is pretty successful. No complaints there. The girl is still teary, but attentive. The ride to school is calm and some minor conversing between me and my daughter occurs. She normally gets dropped off first and when we arrive, her tears kick back in. Her teachers try to console her, but nothing is working and she is not letting go of me. I am late, but my heart is melting and I am struggling internally because I need to go and I am worn out emotionally, but she needs me too.

Finally, I break free of her kung fu grip and unfortunately leave the tears to the teachers. My son and I head to his school. No, things aren't better yet because it is now after 8am and this is when all the suck ass drivers leave their houses. So I am dealing with the crap traffic while my son is oblivious telling a story in some weird language that is a cross between English, Spanish and Martian...it is funny, but I am just not in the mood.

We get to his school just in time to have some other jackass parent take the parking spot by the front door as we pull up! I have to let it go...if not I am really going to snap. I park and head around to the back seat to get my boy. As usual, he has taken off his right shoe. Yea, he does this every time we get in the car. I find the shoe and put it back on. He immediately kicks it off again. AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! I am at the breaking point.

I get him out and inside his school. He loses interest in me immediately and I take advantage of this and head out to find salvation. I park the car at home and run inside to drop off the keys, change shoes, grab lunch, kiss wife and hurry to the bus where I can finally sit quietly and just read my book in peace.

Unfortunately, I am having trouble calming down this morning. I can't stop thinking about all the things that I wish were different in my life. I can't stop thinking about the decisions that were made or weren't made. I am getting more and more tired and a little depressed. And then...

I turn the page of my book and there is a giant orange crayon mark going straight up the middle and I smile.

Sex Addict Clinic...WHAT???

David Duchovny checked out of a sex addict rehabilitation hospital today. Really? Why did he check in? If I thought this was a real disease, I would check in. I would have to be having sex at least 67 times a day before I thought I had a serious medical condition.

I would imagine, at this clinic and others like it, they just have a giant list of every guy in the world and they check they're names off when they come in. Seems like Masturbation Clinic would be a more appropriate label.

VP Duh-Bates

Palin mentioned that terrorist countries hated our tolerance. She said this just minutes after flat out saying she was against gay marriage. Does this make her a terrorist?

Overall, I don't much see a winner of this debate. I think the term debate is used rather loosely in these events. It's really been more of a presidential pep rally more than anything else.

Biden has been pretty consistent throughout, I think. He has stuck to his guns, maintained his composure and spoke confidently. I will admit, Palin did a pretty decent job...she should have after being under intense training for the last week. Anyone else ever crammed for a test and then aced it?

Overall, I think Biden gets the nod. Admittedly, i do not like Palin or the Republicans, but when they began talking about foreign issues and policy, Palin got really shaky. She couldn't handle the questions. She has no experience and doesn't know what she is talking about. Biden was very confident in these line of questions. Palin looked nervous, scared and pretty. Might be all she has. Might be.

On a closing note, for the love of shit, stop saying Maverick. McCain is a wuss and is not tough. Maverick is a ridiculous and stupid word to describe him. I don't buy it and I hope America doesn't either.

Palin or Politics

We had friends over to watch my Tigers win yet again. There was lots of drinking going on. It was Saturday and we were watching football...how do you do it? As usual, when a presidential election approaches, politics became a topic of the evening.

Anyhow, naturally as of late, the conversation turned into a bash of Sarah Palin. I am not sure there has been an easier candidate to make fun of in the history of politics. And this is saying a lot!

One of my friends was not in the mood for political yak and asked if we could please not talk politics? It dawned on me, and I mentioned aloud, "We're not talking politics, we're talking about Palin."

The Duh-Bate

I am currently watching the debate. I will, sort of, write about what I see happening...until I get tired. Here we go...

John "Awkward Pause" McCain v. Barack "Main Street" Obama

First of all, let me thank Sen. McCain for finding the time to participate..

Ok, first question. Neither one of them answered the damn thing. Why does this happen every time frickin' time a politician is asked anything? Just answer the question. At least Jim called them out on it.

Question two: I don't know. I was talking.

Question three: Who did win Ms. Congeniality in Congress Se. McCain? I guess he's a meany. It looks like things are starting to get a little testy. Rerr!

Why does the moderator have to keep telling them to talk to each other? Aren't they grown men? Guess not.

Are people really moving to Ireland to open business Mr. McCain? And please stop saying $932M in pork barrel spending...we get it.

What percent of Americans will get a tax break Sen. Obama? Please mention it again.

Did someone tell McCain to stop acting like a pussy? Cause he is definitely trying to act tough. he certainly isn't congenial tonight!

Question four: What will you have to give up as a result of the financial rescue plan?

Obama escapes early by saying we gotta wait and see. Safe answer and then attack with platform points!

Ok, I am already bored and tired. If it's weak, whatever. i don't care.

Let me summarize what I can guarantee will be said:

"Blah, blah, blah, blah."

Might Have to Call it Quits

Not sure if I can blog anymore. I just found something that makes this whole thing seem dumb and useless.

Lil' Wayne is now a blogger. Yea, super big time rap star Lil' Wayne is literate. Who knew? And now he is blogging professionally! What does that say for the rest of us that don't rhyme so well? I think we gotta call it quits. We are trying to do this to grow and show the world what we are capable of and that we are smarterer than everyone else. But, Lil' Wayne has destroyed that notion for us.

At least his blog is about sports. I guess I can keep on writing based on that. Well, thanks Lil' Wayne. Thanks for making me feel less than ordinary.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3607474&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab2pos2

McCain's Economic Plan

I gotta give it to him. John McCain has come up with a plan that could very well save the economy and give Americans a strong boost to their financial savings.

Based on his current life experiences, if every American can follow his lead and catch the early bird special at local restaurants, it would save millions to the nation's pocketbooks. This way, you can get to bed before 7pm like our potential president knowing you have more money to buy all of those houses you want.

Unfortunately, you have to get up at 3am to pee and run the country.

Obama v. McCain: Part None

Apparently Senator McCain wants to delay Friday's Presidential debate so he can return to Washington and work on the bank bailout from the national government. Come on! Think of a better excuse than that.

How long have you been campaigning now? How many times have you been to Washington since you started campaigning? Do you really think you are "needed" in D.C.?

Hmmm, maybe you aren't needed there at all? Let's take a moment to think about that.

Just nut up and debate on Friday old man.

Pee Privacy

You walk into a men's room. You only have to go #1, so a toilet is not necessary. There are nice urinals there so that we need not bother sitting and completely removing our pants. The number of urinals varies depending on what bathroom you are in. Today, the number of urinals is three.

No one is using any of the three urinals. Which one do you choose? Which one do you choose?

You choose one of the ones on the end idiot! Don't use the middle one. It is rude. It makes it uncomfortable for the next guy that comes in and seeks the same convenience of the urinal as you.

We have all been to bars, concerts and ballgames. We can comfortably pee next to other men utilizing the dead pan, stare-straight-ahead maneuver to assert our masculinity. But, if we have the option to put a urinal's worth of spacing between us and the next full-bladder ridden patron, then we do so because it is more comfortable and natural.

So to all you freaks out there, especially the jackass that went into the bathroom before me a few minutes ago, if there is an odd number of urinals, just move to the end. It makes it easier on all of us and it is just normal. Gawd!

No Thank You Lindsay

Barack Obama said he did not want Lindsay Lohan to sponsor a fundraiser for him stating that her "party girl" past would not be helpful to his campaign. Makes sense. Lohan's "party girl" past is not getting her anywhere.

Although she appears to be a lesbian now, which is pretty cool. Gaining the gay vote from her won't help though as there are very few gays that would vote Republican anyhow. What does she have to offer? Maybe she should shut up? Yea, let's have a fundraiser that gets her to shut up. Much more fun and probably more profitable. I'll hold the money.

Foreign Policy Palin

There has been a lot of talk about Vice Presidential candidate and current Alaska Governor Sarah Palin not having enough foreign policy experience to represent the oval office. I think this is ridiculous. I am sure she has been to the continental United States plenty of times.

Off the Beach

I have returned to New York after a brief, but excellent trip to the Gulf Coast of Northern Florida. Ah yes, the panhandle of Florida...a place for people to become worse human beings. Lovely beaches though.

I was attending my best friends wedding where I was the best man. I did a superb job and gave a rousing performance during the rehearsal dinner. The part of the trip where I left my mark though was two nights before the wedding when we did a pseudo bachelor party. I was in charge of the meat. This was not a gay wedding so that doesn't mean what you think it means sicky. I cooked the steak that night. A beef tenderloin that was outstanding, if I do say so myself.

You see, I am a master griller. Maybe one of the best. I don't know for sure, but probably. I have to assume so because I am so damn good at it. Just ask anyone there. Sure the were boozed up pretty good by the time they ate and sure they aren't the smartest group of guys in the world and can be bought off easily, but they are truth tellers I tell you. Go ahead...ask 'em.

Anywho, I just thought the world should know about how great I am. I just had my first coke of the day and I am working late alone in my office, so my mind is going astray. Might be the reason for this post. Hmm?

Half Mast in Boston

The Patriot flags are flying at half mast today in the Boston area. You could practically hear the hush fall over the country as Tom Brady did not get up after being hit awkwardly during New England's season opener.

Not only did Brady's ACL injury most likely ruin the hopes of the Patriots returning to the Superbowl, but it also dashed the dreams of thousands of fantasy football teams who were banking on Brady to carry them each week. Last season was the year of the quarterback in fantasy football, making Tom Brady an early first round pick in many of the fantasy leagues. Now teams, led by off-the-field wannabes, are reeling in the aftermath of the most shocking injury since they pulled Joe Theisman's shin bone out of the turf.

I did not draft Tom Brady. I did not have the opportunity. I did, however, draft Randy Moss in one of my leagues (yea, I have more than one. I am a super wannabe). So, in my own way, I am also suffering. Tom Brady knew how to work with Moss, he knew how Moss liked to run routes and he knew how Randy liked the ball thrown to him. No one has understood Moss like that since he was with Daunte Culpepper earlier in his career. Needless to say, I will be looking for more wide receivers on the waiver wire this week.

Hopefully, for everyone that drafted Tom Brady, they had as good of luck as my buddy Walt. He was shrugging off his season since the injury took place. He took Brady as the #4 overall pick. While wallowing in what could of been, he bounced back nicely this afternoon by hitting his first hole-in-one. Congrats Walter, hope it relieves the pain.

So, sorry to all you die hard Pats fans. Hell, I am even sorry for you band wagon New England fans. Shit does in fact happen and it definitely has in Foxboro. But, when you look at the big picture, the only thing that really matters is that the Saints won.

Speech vs. Speech

I don't claim to be heavy into politics nor do I necessarily lean towards Democrats or Republicans. I did, however, watch both Barack Obama's and John McCain's speeches at their respective conventions. I will give my uneducated, ill-informed yet unbiased opinions of each...

Boring!

My reasons why are pretty simple. They were boring. I did feel a little more inspired by Obama's words, but not much. And McCain just sounds like a nerd. Politics in general always feels like a bunch of empty promises. The same things are repeated time and again, election after election. Their advantages to saying these things are that after four years, most people won't remember what they promised. So, I guess, why not say what ever you feel like.

I have been racking my brain trying to make this funny, but I can't. The speeches were boring, full of propaganda designed to attract votes. Just once, make me believe you are gonna change the world. Don't give me a tax break on a car I don't want (do they not realize how much hybrids cost???). Don't speculate on spending money that is not yours. Don't try and wow me by saving me a few bucks a year. Just make me believe.

I get annoyed that I cannot remember a President that did not come from a privileged upbringing. How are these people supposed to relate to the common man. The ones they should be calling their base. They cannot. Just like a man can never know the pain of child birth or a kid from the suburbs can't see what a kid from Afghanistan sees everyday. While Obama prances around with his Harvard degree and McCain can't figure out which key goes to which house, there are people out there that can't take their kids to school because they cannot put gas in the car. Figure out who your base is, who really matters and do something for them.

Make a frickin' difference or get off the pot.

Gustav the Bitch

I am happy and thankful today that Hurricane Gustav turned out to be little more than a strong storm. Bearing the name of prior Swedish kings, Gustav bore as much potency as its neutral forefathers.

Sure, we lost some trees, rooftops and windows, but nothing near what Katrina did to us all. As a Louisianian, I am very glad of the results.

I know it is early in the hurricane season and we are not out of the woods yet, but I feel very confident for New Orleans. I don't think we will see the likes of Katrina again for a while. At least not in the manner in which we did experience that bitch. We will get the levees fortified and my future home will survive all tests. Plain and simple.

I am not going to threaten future hurricanes and say we are ready for the worst, but I feel good. I feel happy. I feel like something is looking down upon us all and reminding us all that we are strong, we will survive and we will become even greater.

It does appear we have a few more brewing out in the Atlantic. Hanna should turn North and maybe hit land in the Carolinas. Next is Ike. He is headed towards Florida before entering the Gulf. Again, I feel good. Ike liked to beat women, but was never manly enough to take on a whole town. As for the rest, we will see!

Football Haikus

Football is almost here
A wonderful time for me
I smile quite big

Run, hit, catch, score
I scream and yell at the TV
Heart pumping too fast

I love LSU and the Saints
Best football teams ever
I love them

National Championship
Superbowl coming
LSU and Saints rule

Unfortunate Gods

The Greeks had many Gods. Each one was responsible for a certain aspect of existence. Poseidon was the God of the Sea. Athena was the Goddess of wisdom and warfare. And Zeus ruled over all of them.

All we ever here about are the prominent gods. In a society governed by multiple deities, surely there were gods for everything. If Aphrodite managed your love life and Hades ruled the underworld, there must of been gods in charge of diseases, misfortune and every day occurrences.

Listed below are the lesser known Gods that watched over ancient Greece:

Testiclees - God of Erectile Dysfunction
Exlaxius - God of Digestion
Ticketus - Goddess of Parking Cops
Peeburnis - God of Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Linelength - God of DMVs
Halfy- Goddess of Divorce
Bitchus - Goddess of Ex-Wives (sister of Halfy)
Peakustooyoungus - God of Peta files
Mindnumbnus - God of After School Programming
Bob - God of Boredom

An Important Forward

From time to time, I am overrun with email forwards from friends and family members. The majority of the forwards I receive do have some religious undertone to them. Most of them are pretty dumb and I pass over them without a second thought (I never forward them again...it's a personal policy. You're welcome).

But, every once in a while, I do get one that is just so dumb, it is offensive. Below is one such forward from someone I know in the deep South. I would just like to point out for the record that I do not necessarily believe the person that sent this supports the statements or believes it to be true. I am more pointing out that it came from someone I know below the Mason-Dixon where I am sad to say, beliefs often confuse reality.

The forward is a supposed letter from David Letterman of late night fame. As the story unfolds, I think it will be quite clear that our beloved television icon had nothing to do with this and that it is merely a misguided attempt to get succeptable people to believe in a really, realy dumb initiative. Shame on the originator of this email.

I will be addressing each point made by "Mr. Letterman" as you read along. You will have to excuse all the typos and misplaced question marks. I felt it was important to capture the essence of a forward and you need to suffer as I did. Enjoy...


"We are so spoiled"

? ????????????? ?by David Letterman ? ? ?

David Letterman wrote this; Duh!

?it's the David we?don't often see...? Or never, ever will

' As most of you know I am not a President?Bush fan, nor have I ever been, but this is not?about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it?seems to hit the mark?
'The other day I was reading Newsweekmagazine and came across some Poll data I found?rather hard to believe. It must be true given?the source, right?? Clearly
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67?percent of Americans are unhappy with the?direction the country is headed and 69 percent of?the country is unhappy with the performance of?the President. In essence 2/3 of the citizenry?just ain't happy and want a change. So being the?knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, 'What?are we so unhappy about?''? How does dragging knuckles correlate with thinking?

A.. Is it that we have electricity and?running water 24 hours a day, 7 Days a week?? Is this a major concern to Americans? Maybe it is the ridiculously high rates we pay for these services?

B.. Is our unhappiness the result of?having air conditioning in the summer and heating?in the winter?? Well, I am happy when I am not burning up or freezing. Is that wrong?

C.. Could it be that 95.4 percent of?these unhappy folks have a job?? And what percentage of these job havers make more than minimum wage?

D.. Maybe it is the ability to walk?into a grocery store at any time and see more?food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last?year?? Have you been in a grocery store lately? $5 for a gallon of milk for my kids? I feel like I am a Darfurian (sp?). This is exactly what Americans are unhappy about. This is the definition of a recession.

E.. Maybe it is the ability to drive our?cars and trucks from the Pacific Ocean to the?Atlantic Ocean without having to presentidentification papers as we move through each?state?? Are you not allowed to drive in other countries without presenting identification papers? When you leave those countries, sure, but you have to do that here to. Even to go to Canada!

F.. Or possibly the h undreds of clean?and safe motels we would find along the way that?can provide temporary shelter?? By clean and safe, are we referring to the motels that charge by the night or by the hour?

G.. I guess having thousands of?restaurants with varying cuisine from around the?world is jus t not good enough either.? Damn the soft immigration laws!!! Would we starve if they were stricter?

H. Or could it be that when we wreck?our car, emergency workers show up and provide?services to help all and even send a helicopter?to take you to the hospital.? Where you will receive outrageous bills following your visit due to the messed up medical insurance fiasco that our nation is suffering through that Bush has done nothing about.

I.. Perhaps you are one of the 70?percent of Americans who own a home.? Let us not forget the skyrocketting foreclosure rate. Also, I find it interesting the 95% of us work, but only 70% can afford a home. You're right, things are going really well. Please, continue.

J.. You may be upset with knowing that?in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of?trained firefighters will appear in moments and?use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames,?thus saving you, your family, and your?belongings.? Top notch equipment like...water. I do agree how much it must suck in countries where water does not exist.

K.. Or if, while at home watching one?of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or?prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun?and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you?and your family against attack or loss .? Did the officer come in with the prowler? How did he get there so fast? I smell conspiracy!!! How many flat screens do people normally have? Am I falling behind in this area? I must remember to ask my butler how many he has.

L.. This all in the backdrop of a?neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and?pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where?90% of teenagers own cell phones and computers.? Admittedly, I have not seen any bombs in my neighborhood, but there are a shit load of raping militias. The bastards pillaged my many, many flat screens.

M.. How about the complete religious,?social and political freedoms we enjoy that are?the envy of everyone in the world?? The world is envious. So envious that they decided we had two too many buildings in New York because of it.

Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks?unhappy.? Maybe.

Fact is, we are the largest group of?ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever?seen. Hold on now...don't forget the Hiltons. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet?has a great disdain for its citizens. They see?us for what we are. The most blessed people in?the world who do nothing but complain about what?we don't have, and what we hate about the country?instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.? Thank you God.

I know, I know. What about the?president who took us into war and has no plan to?get us out? The president who has a measly 31?percent approval rating? Is this the same?president who guided the nation in the dark days?after 9/11? Yes it is...it is also the same President that did nothing to prevent 9/11. The president that cut taxes to?bring an economy out of recession? A recession that he caused and we are still in. Did we get out? Could this?be the same guy who has been called every name in?the book for succeeding in keeping all the?spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist?attacks? Ahem...9/11. Surprised you forgot that one seeing how you just mentioned it. The commander in chief of an?all-volunteer army that is out there defending?you and me?? Out THERE defending you and me...how about defending me here? Remember, there are backyard bombs and raping militias.

Did you hear how bad the President is?on the news or talk show? Yes. Did this news affect?you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't?take a look around for yourself and see all the?good things and be glad? Yes. Think about?it......are you upset at the President because he?actually caused you personal pain OR is it?because the 'Media' told you he was failing to?kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.? Thank you, once again, for guiding me through life oh wonderful, all knowing Media. Make no mistake about it.? I won't...not anymore Mr. letterman.

The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have?died for your freedom. Really, they volunteered to fly half way around the world and start a war that was built on false pretenses? Really? There is currently no?draft in this country. WHAT??? They didn't have to go.? Yes they did. They are able to refuse to go and end up with?either a ''general'' discharge, an 'other than?honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a?''dishonorable' ' discharge after a few days in?the brig.? Do you know how hard it is to get a job when you have been dishonorably discharged? Might affect that 95.4% employment rate...which is more like 94.3% BTW. How about premature discharge? Will that look better on a resume?

So why then the flat-out discontentmentin the minds of 69 percent of Americans?? Bush. I thought we covered this already.

Say what you want but I blame it on the media. Which I, David Letterman, am a member of. If it bleeds it leads and they?specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a?car crash with blood and guts How many will?watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? Probably a lot of those previously mentioned militia members would. The?media knows this and media outlets are for-profit?corporations. Weird...for-profit organizations in a capitalist society. They offer what sells, and when?criticized, try to defend their actions by'justifying' them in one way or another. Justifying them in one way or another...is there any other way to justify something? Just ask?why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J.?Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill?his wife, but if he did he would have done it?this way......Insane!? I may not agree with O.J.'s verdict, but he was acquitted. Calling him a murderer kind of contradicts your argument about the Media leading us the way they do. Just throwing that out there.

Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New?York Times for the bottom of your bird cage.? I am sick and tired of people assuming I have a bird!!! Then start being grateful for all we have as?country. There is exponentially more good than?bad. We are among the most blessed people on?Earth and should thank God several times a day,? like a muslim? or at least be thankful and appreciative.' 'With?hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud?slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up?the country from one end to another, and with the?threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we?sure this is a good time to take God out of the?Pledge of Allegiance?' How the fuck did we get to this conclusion??? What an amazing secret agenda Mr. Letterman. I am blown away by your senseless ramblings that masked your true plans. Bravo, sir, bravo!

????????????????? David Letterman?

Please keep this in circulation.

?There?are so many people who need to read this!



I will allow you to draw your own conclusions from this very legitimate and concerning plea from David Letterman. Believe of it what you must, but never assume all is what it appears to be.

Now, If you don't mind, I am off to watch my many flat screens while I fortify my home from raping militias with bombs, phone carrying computer having teenagers with jobs that own homes despite their dishonorable discharges from an undrafted and willing military that receives its directions from the media, headquartered behind a plentiful produce section of a Darfur grocery that employs a variety of waterless firefighters and prowling policemen celebrating their religous and political freedoms that are the envy of a world that hates our buildings.

Have a nice day.

The Thing About Quitting...

It sucks. Everything about it sucks. It just sucks.

I am sure some things are harder to quit than others. Heroin may be harder than porn. Cigarettes may be harder than booze. Giving rides to elementary school children that aren't yours may be the hardest of all. I don't know. But, no matter what it is, it is no fun to have to quit something.

Once something becomes a part of you and you decide to cut it out, you are left with a void. You got to fill it some way. I say use sex. Why the hell not.

Synchronize This!

As most of the television viewing world, I have spent the last week watching the Summer Olympics. I find myself getting deeply involved in sports that I did not even know existed.

Women's handball, for one. I knew of handball and I knew of women (a little), but I had never thought of combining the two. Certainly not into a very physical and slightly vicious team contest. But they have and it sucked me in like a human sized Hoover.

During my Olympic couching sessions, I found myself watching synchronized diving and I thought to my self, "This is a sport?" I am impressed by diving, I am. But not by two people doing it together, I am not.

In some way, I can trace every sport back to where it can relate to an every day situation. Swimming - not just a sport, but a way of not drowning. Track - not just a sport, but a way to run away from something in a superior fashion when needed. Even regular, singles Diving - an art form yes, but also, say someone is chasing you and you reach a cliff. What to do??? A regular person would fall to their death in the waters below or be killed by the pursuer on the edge of the cliff, most likely still falling off the cliff, dying on the way down, or again, on impact. But a professional diver stands a chance of surviving the jump and the would be assassin, who probably isn't a professional diver, would not dare follow and everyone lives. Yay!

Most of the Olympic sports can be traced back in this fashion, but I cannot think of any situation, whether realistic of fantastical, that two people would have to jump off something and do the exact same thing on the way down. I have racked my brain and my imagination and come up with even less than a Chinese splash.

Speaking of Chinese...the Chinese synchronized diving women have taken their synchronicity (thanks Sting) to a new level. They even sport the exact same terrible hair cuts. Kind of freaky looking. Kudos on your commitment, but never forget the world is watching.

Sorry

I apologize, yet again, for not posting more often. I seem to be having a little more inspiration lately, but my ideas are not being formulated into full length rants yet. I am posting today and as always, am hopeful for the future. We ask that you please bare with us during these turbulent times.

Today's Thought

In our era of political correctness and our continued search for environmental efficiencies, we should start referring to transvestites as hybrids.

You make the call

Possible captions for this photo:

1. Your honor student is not smarter than me!

2. Oh my god! What have you done? Where is your sister???

3. You're next pal!

4. Too early to start shaving?

5. You looking at me? Are you looking at me?

6. Yea it's blood! Whadaya think, it's a popsicle?

7. You should see the other guy!

8. BRING IT ON!!!

9. My Dad told me to go to bed once...ONCE!

10. Oh, you're supposed to cook the kabobs first!


By the way, before you start thinking I am completely demented, this is my son Dylan.

Unfair Moments in the History of Brian

I currently work on the 51st floor of a 53 story building. Glamorous, I know, until I left a little bit ago for lunch.

I was waiting patiently for the elevator as you have to working so high up. I had eaten my lunch at my desk, but was going to go sit in Bryant Park and read for a while (I like to make my brains more learned).

The elevator doors finally opened and I stepped into an empty box as is often the case. As the doors were closing, not permitting me to get off anymore, I was overcome with a foul stench that can only be associated with one thing...a human fart.

I will be the first to admit I have done my fair share of gas passing in my time and furthermore, I am more than willing to accept the blame for such erroneous behavior when it is my fault. I say this to point out that I understand human behavior when it comes to bodily expulsion and will now and forever revere poop humor as the one aspect of funny that will always be funny. As a comedian and student of all things humorous, I do feel leaving a fart in an empty elevator is a very funny thing to do. Unless you are the next unknowing passenger, which today was me.

I had accepted my fate, doomed to ride to the lobby with this smell manned with only the hope the the elevator would be on an express route. But today was not to be my day. The elevator made about 5 more stops on the way down.

What I quickly began to realize was that each person that boarded the elevator was smelling the same thing I was. And much like me, they knew that they had not done it. And when you know that it was not you, you have to point the finger at someone. And who else was on the elevator? Yup, me.

Now, if it had been all guys coming aboard, it probably wouldn't of been so awkward. But, to my dismay and fitting of my current situation, every person that got on at each stop was an attractive woman. The only silver lining I had to the musty SBD (silent but deadly for all of you who have officially grown up and forgotten this delightful acronym), is that I am married and have long ago given up on seriously trying to attract other women.

Also, this situation shined a light on a case of reverse discrimination. The first woman that got on the elevator had every right to assume it was me that had done the pooting. But the subsequent female passengers could not assume this. They had to at least take the other ladies into consideration, but I could tell they had already found me guilty despite my right to poo process. Just because you don't fart in elevators, ladies, does not mean all of your other gender buddies follow your lead. Don't assume it was a guy just cause farting is theoretically a guy thing to do. You want equal respect? Then share in the fart blame!

Still, having to ride down 51 floors with several women (did I mention that they were all attractive?), all of whom were silently pointing their fingers at me for their suffering, was not one of my more favorable moments in my life.

Yes, most people would keep a story like this to themselves, but I felt the world should know about it. Maybe it will make you think twice before leaving an aromatic present in a confined space. Or maybe it will make you sympathize with me and send me fresh baked cookies. Regardless, now you know and you forever will.

New Yorker Cover

Obama Camp: Satirical magazine cover 'tasteless'

Pierce Camp: Satirical magazine cover 'funny'


http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jNPgefV9BiTHTv8K2VaxcvZbkjAQD91TQQ1G0

If I Were a Rich Man

If I had the money, and were just a touch more religious, I think I would start a Christian Rock radio station West of the Mississippi so I could have the call letters WWJD.

Nothing says 'Yay God' more than a purely hard rock song about the teachings of Christ. I am sure Jesus and his 12 buddies regularly listened to hard rock (literally...I think they only had instruments made of rocks back then) and often joined in a spirited mosh pit in recognition of his old man.

It would be fun to be a DJ at the station. You get to say things like, "Welcome back to 94.5 FM, WWJD. What Would Jesus Do? He would ROCK! You were just listening to 'I Got Soul and I am A Soldier...of God' by Joseph and the Wisemen. Coming up next we have a diddy from the JC Crew called 'GodRock.' It'll melt your bible. And we'll have more from Faith Go More right after these messages from Garden of Eden Air Fresheners. It'll remove even the smell of the devil!"

Today's Thought

I never met a stripper that wasn't saving money to go to college.

I'm For McBama

Will either one make a difference? I don't feel like they will, so why throw your support behind either one. Politicians are a lot like food...sometimes they look healthy and you think they are good for you, but in the end it all turns out to be shit.

Pregnancy Pact

There is a story that a bunch of Massachusettes high school girls formed a pact that they would all get pregnant and raise their babies together. It is a predominantly catholic town and this sort of rebellion would fit nicely under Popish rule, but I am not positive this is the case.

I think it is much more likely that a bunch of guys formed a pact to get as many girls pregnant as they could. What a fun week that would be.

Today's Thought

Hangovers are a way of your mind reminding you that it is stupid.

R. Kelly Acquitted

R. Kelly was acquitted today and a precedent has been set...you can pee on anyone you want to.

ZIPPERS DOWN PEOPLE!!!

-B. Pierce

Today's Thought

Thinking is overrated.

Awesome Wifery

Gotta post a bit about how awesome my wife is (who is in San Francisco and I will miss terribly!). This is just to show the kind of things I tend to do and she puts up with without a second thought.

The other day, I had to go into work early and stay late, leaving her to manage the kids. The same day I had lunch with my ex-girlfriend. And then in the afternoon, when my wife called to say she was outside my building and would I come down and say hi, I brought another girl down with me.

Do I go too far? Am I pushing my luck and threatening the very bonds that bound my wife and I? Maybe.

All I know is that I have the most awesome, patient, understanding, trusting, best friendy, kick ass wife of all time and I am very thankful. Rest assured, I make sure she knows it every day!

Oh yea, she is probably the world's greatest Mom also (I only say probably, because I haven't met them all yet)!

Peace in all. Love ya' babe!


P.S. Can this count as an anniversary present?

Behind The Ejaculation: Sperm Donation

I recently saw an add for sperm donation here in New York. The ad said $75-150 per donation. This made me overly curious about, not only the operation, but mainly the basis of pay rate for these donations.

How do they decide what sperm is worth $75 and what is worth $150? Does your appearance play a factor? Your education? Your hygiene?

Is it strictly based on quality or is it quantity? Does speed play a factor (God, I hope so)? Texture? Color? Scent? Any of these?

Perhaps it is more based on consistency, elasticity or durability?

Maybe even still it is the degree to which your donation process took place. Maybe you receive less money the more "assistance" you require. I heard that movies or reading materials are provided to help you in your time of need. Do they place a value on these rentals? I have to assume that occasionally, assistance through manual labor is required from the staff. That just led to a horrible vision of my middle school nurse trying to help me "finish the job." Not sure I would be up to the task.

I am overly curious about how much the sperm banks pay for your donation. Unfortunately, there is only one sure-fire (hee hee) way to find out. If I ever get the balls (again, hee hee) to try it out, I will report back. I do love money, but I usually reserve my donations for more special occasions. Quite a quandary I have here.


Other potential titles for this piece:
-To Donate or Not To Donate...Sperm
-Sperm Donation: The Icky Sticky Truth
-Who Let The Sperm Out?
-Got Sperm?
-Sperm Bank: Deposit or Withdrawal?
-The Value of Your Seed
-Pour Some Sugar On Me

CCMA

That stands for the Canadian Country Music Awards or Canadian Country Music Association, depending on who you are talking to. I am intrigued, confused, bewildered and kind of shocked by my recent discovery of this.

I do not like country music. Well, let me clarify, I do not like any country music made after about 1993. I think it is dumb. Plain and simple. When it stopped being about the music and more about the show, I was done.

Having said that, did I belive country music could get worse than it is? No, I did not...until I discovered CCMA. Can there be anything worse than this? I submit that there cannot.

Congratulations country music. Your suckiness has crossed borders.

The Power of LSU

I love being reminded what it is like to be a Louisiana State University Fighting Tiger. What it means is that you have a friend no matter where you go.

I was just taking a walk around my office building in Times Square to help wake up a little (had a long and exhausting weekend that included too much alcohol, not enough sleep and some really bad golf). As I get close to the door of my building, I see a man wearing an LSU shirt and hat. As I usually do when I see someone dawning this garb, I say "Go Tigers!"

More often than not, my simple greeting of camaraderie and understanding is returned with a smile and then a conversation with a total stranger. They are strangers only for a moment. The LSU connection brands you as life long friends from that point on.

This time was no different. The nice man was here on vacation from Lafayette, La. and was more than happy to talk about Louisiana and LSU sports. It's easy when your football team is reigning National Football Champions and the baseball team just won their regional with their 23rd straight victory, an NCAA record.

It basically makes me happy to know I am part of something so big and comforting. LSU is steeped in tradition and loyalty. Southerners are a very friendly group in general, but Tiger fans take it a little further. I am thrilled and thankful to be a part of it.

Bored and Uninspired

I apologize for not posting much recently. Some of it was a recent four day weekend where I was very busy getting stuff done and bumming on the beach, but most of it is just that I have not felt very inspired lately.

As you know, writing requires a lot of inspiration. I don't want to just post anything on here...I want it to be good and funny. Unfortunately, my job has put me in a position that my mind is kind of locked lately. I have an amazing view from my office, which is sweet, but it only inspires me to want to go outside where more funny stuff happens to me. Other than that, the job itself does not really lend itself to creativity.

I promise this won't last long. My dry spells rarely do (except for sex). And it is only a matter of time before someone near me or in the public eye does something stupid, annoying, dumb, arrogant, retarded, mindblowing, assholey or just noteworthy that will pique my curiousity and set spark to my flame of inspiration.

So, please be patient. It's coming. Wait...what was that. Oh, it was nothing. Sorry, false alarm. Keep my blog on your drop down menu near the top. I know you need me!

Geraldine Ferraro May Not Back Barack

Geraldine Ferraro, in a article for the New York Times, said she felt Barack Obama was "terribly sexist" and may not cast her vote for him.

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, "Geraldine Ferraro is still alive?"

We Have A New Winner!

The other day I posted about a Ft. Worth man that shot himself trying to scratch his back with his gun. Stupid people are exposed every day in this world. The trick is trying to keep your ignorance under the radar so not everyone finds out. But, due to the power of the mass media and stupid people's undying ability to get caught, we have a new leader in the world of morons.

Two Pennsylvania men were recently arrested for trying to steal power lines. Unfortunately for them, the power lines were still attached to a transformer high up on a electrical pole. They were both electrocuted, but they lived to tell the tale of there brilliant scheme.

Another rule for being dumb...if you are going to be stupid and want to save yourself the embarrassment of being caught doing stupid things, make sure you die trying.

My initial post electrocution thought...what happens to a mullet when 13 straight shower less days, a touch of fried chicken skin, Schlitz residue and 25,000 volts are combined?

Not So Magic Bullet

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Every story has a counter story that reflects a reverse image. Sometimes the stories take years to unfold. One such story is now complete.

It began in Dallas, TX when John F. Kennedy was shot and killed in suspicious circumstances. Now, the story has completed itself and from just down the road a piece. A Fort Worth, TX man had an itch on his back. He used his gun to scratch it and he shot himself. A much more straight forward story.

JFK was a man of importance, an intelligent person that deserved recognition. Our counterpart is clearly an idiot of severe insignificance. We have come full circle.

Same Sex Classrooms

Apparently, some Massachusetts public schools are experimenting with same sex classrooms. The thinking is that the children's raging hormones are affecting their ability to expand their knowledge. The experiment is to see if grades will improve when the children's focus is redirected away from boobies and penises (or is it peni?).

I feel this is going to be a failed experiment. Are grades better in Catholic schools? Are kid's attentions more on their schoolwork or the kids in the other gender schools? The way I see it is there are four possible outcomes to this idea:

1. Some horribly unfortunate Columbine type situation.

2. Sharp increase in teenage suicide.

3. Increase in same sex relationships (hotter in one room than the other).

4. Lots and lots of whores.

The last outcome is primarily going to happen to the girls. In my experience as a guy, if I could of been a whore, if I had the personality to get girls to talk to me, much less sleep with me, I would of been a whore. I can't imagine too many guys that wouldn't be a whore if given the opportunity. There definitely are some out there. I wanted to be one. I really, really did. But sadly, it was not in the cards for me. C'est la vie.

So, I urge the Massachusetts schools not to go further with these plans. The outcome will simply lead to far too much death and the clap.

America's Pastime

Lately, I have had a unique opportunity to view a lot of online material (don't ask why, it's too hard to explain). Primarily, I have been watching video clips on YouTube. I have come to the conclusion that YouTube has to now be America's pastime.

Sure, this post may seem a little behind the times, but I am not trying to point out that YouTube exists. I have merely become amazed about how we, as a people, spend our free time. I do believe in the Internet. Obviously, since you are reading this. I think it is an amazing place full of wonder and intrigue. It is also full of stupid shit and retards. This is where YouTube comes in.

I think it is just terrific that there is an online outlet for people to express themselves with complete freedom and autonomy. It lets people, regardless of there simplicities, feel special...important to their friends and family. Unfortunately, YouTube has become a cesspool for people to show other people what they do in private with their, sometimes, free time.

Basically, what I have learned is that people will do anything for their 10 minutes of fame (I have reduced it from 15 because YouTube only allows 10 minute clips). I have briefly summarized the things I have seen on YouTube to give you a synopsis of what people apparently believe:

1. People really think other people want to see their kids do a somersault.

2. People really think other people want to see their horses.

3. There are a lot of white women that think they can make their ass move like a black woman.

4. People really like to pretend they are Luke/Anakin Skywalker.

5. Everyone can sing a song better than the original artist.

6. A 87 picture montage of yourself is appropriate.

7. A lame video set to music makes it better.

8. Michael Jackson is an o.k. guy.

9. 8 seconds of video followed by 4 and a half minutes of black is cool.

10. Dora the Explorer and Spongebob Squarepants swear uncontrollably.

11. 8 year old white kids are America's Best Dance Crew.

12. Framing the camera appropriately is unnecessary.

Maybe Your Car Shouldn't Talk To You

Microsoft and Hyundai-Kia announced today that they are partnering to place voice activated infotainment (I did not make up this word) systems in upcoming model Hyundai and Kia cars.

This should be a nice treat for the purchasers of these fine automobiles. Now, the car can actually remind them that they bought a piece of crap each and every day.

"Good morning car."

"Good morning sir and thanks again for purchasing me. Most people just step around a pile of poop on the street."

A Song Parody

A little something different. This is a remix of Pearl Jam's Better Man.

Waiting, watching the clock, it's 4 o'clock, it's time to snack.
Get up, wait no more.

She practices her stroke as she opens the jar,
She grows colder, starts to weep as she closes the drawer.

She dreams of toast, she don't like bread,
Can't find a butter knife.
She lies and says she still loves bread,
Can't find a butter knife,
Can't find a butter knife.

Talkin' to herself, there's no one else with the cooked dough
She tells herself, oh...
Memories back when she was young and thin,
And waits for the knife to come along...
Swears she saw it, now she swears it's gone.

She dreams of toast, she don't like bread,
Can't find a butter knife.
She lies and says she still loves bread,
Can't find a butter knife,
Can't find a butter knife.

She wants it, yea...she don't want to look all day
She needs it, yeah...that's why she's not thin.

Can't find a butter knife,
Can't find a butter knife.

LSD: Mind Expander or Life Prolonger?

Albert Hofmann, the inventor and creator of LSD, passed away today. He created the drug to be used in psychological studies in hopes that it could help cure schizophrenia. Dr. Hofmann, who used the drug frequently to study it's effects, died at the age of 102.

So, this suggests, if you are responsible and use the mind altering, paranoia inducing, jump out a window to prove your flying abilities properly, you will die very old...and you will not see senility coming. Or the ground.

Miley Memoirs

I almost threw up when I saw this headline a few minutes ago. Miley Cyrus just inked a deal to write her memoirs! SHE IS 15 YEARS OLD!!! If that book is longer than 12 pages, I will be very upset.

Lucky for you, I was able to obtain an excert from this sure-to-be masterpiece through my sources. It is as follows:

"I was born November 22, 1992 after an achey-breaky encounter my mom had with a hillbilly hack at a truckstop bathroom. A few years went by and I lucked into a TV role for a children's show. They let me sing and everything, sometimes when it wasn't even the TV show. Now I am 15. I hope you liked my book."

The Pope is Gone! The Pope is Gone!

I am not Catholic, nor am I a big Pope fan. I personally don't get all the hub-bub. Is he magical? Can he turn water into wine? Any healing powers there at all? I suppose he could teach a man to fish, but so could I.

No, I did not make any attempts to go see the Pope or his fancy, "you gotta ride on the small bus," car. I was at home with the rest of my non-Catholic clan. To make him feel better though, if George Bush were in town, I would have attempted to actually get further away.

Procreation Testing

There was a news article today about a child abuse case where the adults put two children into a dryer and turned it on. Yes, extremely horrible. The man that did it, apparently not the father, said he was looking for a cost efficient method to entertain the children. Yea, nice try tard.

I have always been a proponent of there being some kind of test you have to take in order to have children. There are just way too many stupid people out there having children. This doesn't hurt the parents, they are already stupid, but we could eradicate stupidity if some precautionary measures were taken.

Below are some sample questions from the Procreation Test:

#5. What major appliances are safe to place your children in?
A. Refrigerator
B. Dryer
C. Dishwasher
D. None of the Above

#13. You have $10 and no food for your kids. Should you spend the $10 on:
A. Beer
B. Milk and Bread
C. Just put your kids in the dryer
D. Take the money to the track and double it

#19. Your son is acting up and hits you. You should?
A. Put him in the dryer
B. Reprimand him and explain why hitting is wrong
C. Punch him in the face really hard

#24. Your baby wakes up in the middle of the night crying and won't go back to sleep and you have to be at work early. You should:
A. Get up and comfort her until she falls back to sleep
B. Let her cry it out
C. Roll her over so her face is jammed into the mattress
D. Put her in the dryer

#31. Your child says a swear word in public. You should:
A. Pull him aside and explain why that word is improper
B. Tell him to shut the fuck up
C. Toss him in the bed of the truck, speed home and put him in the dryer

If you got any of these sample questions wrong, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN. If you got them right, but still aren't confident in yourself or your partner, please seek out the entire test at your local child abuse prevention facility. Best of luck to you and please make the right choice. Answer key below.


ANSWERS: #5. D; #13. B; #19. B; #24 A or B; #31. A

Would You Rather?

Today's question is, as a presidential candidate, would you rather have the backing of Bruce Springstein or have your wife, and potential First Lady, busted publicly for stealing recipes and claiming them as her own?

I guess you gotta go with the Boss. I really don't understand how who Bruce Springstein is supporting politically is newsworthy, but it made headlines today. I suppose it cannot hurt your campaign. Surely there is a large contingency of voters out there that doesn't make a move until the E Street Band does.

As for Mrs. McCain, I know this wasn't your fault. You probably didn't even know your husband's website was even posting your so-called favorite recipes. But, in case you did, own up to it instead of making some poor intern take the blame. How can you even blame a lowly intern for this anyhow? There is no way an intern is allowed to make executive decisions about what goes on a candidate's official website, no matter how incredibly stupid the content.

So, overall, sure, take the Boss' support, but don't publish really, really dumb things on your website.

Rap Video = Soft Porn

I have come to realize that there is not much difference between rap videos and soft porn. Both feature bad acting, scantly clad females and less than attractive men that seem to be overly attractive to the females. Either way, much like soft porn, rap videos make me H to the O to the R to the N to the Y!

Reverse Discrimination

I used to live in San Francisco for 7 years. Now, I know what you are thinking, and let me lay your assumptions to rest…I moved out there with a woman, I married that woman, she still is a woman. So let’s just get past that.

San Francisco was a hard place to live because there is still so much discrimination. I remember a Saturday afternoon when my wife and I were walking through the Castro holding hands. I could feel the stares and mean looks and then, from over my shoulder, I hear that familiar, hateful lisp, “Do they have to do that in public? Jesus Christ!”

And, you know, it hurts. You tell yourself you can get used to it, but you just can’t. We straight people have come so far and fought so hard to be considered equals with the gays and yet, this persecution still exists. When will we finally live in a free society

Magic Fingers

I have never understood why there are so many people in this world that think they can push an elevator button better than I can. Like they have magic fingers that can summon an elevator car with far superior skills than my old bony digits.

They see you push the button or see you standing there beside a button that is clearly illuminated, but they can't resist giving it another poke. You can see it in their eyes too, "Oh, this guy only made the button light up. I can actually make the elevator come to this floor with my finger."

The same goes for when these people get on the elevator. "Well, sure he already pushed the button, but how do I know the elevator is actually going to go that floor which just so happens to be the same floor I want to go to? I had better push it again so that I know it was done right with my super special finger."

So let me just say to all you back-up button pushers out there...you are not better than me at pushing elevator buttons. If the button lit up, I did a damn good job. Your fingers are not magic and you are not special. Leave the poor button alone. It's just trying to do what it does and it doesn't need any added abuse from you button snobs.

Today's Thought

You know you have been married for a while when you start finding female cartoon characters attractive.

The Life and Death of Rap

I have had the opportunity over the past couple of months to watch an ass load of music videos. This includes a wide variety of rap videos dating from the early 80s to present day. I believe we are witnessing the death of rap music.

It seems that hip-hop performers are basically running out of stuff to rap about. Everything has been done. Rappers have always been successful by rapping about what they know, i.e. their surroundings, their neighborhoods, the people they know in these surroundings and neighborhoods. But now, everyone has heard everything about this. There is nothing new to report and they are running out of things to rap about.

I have noticed that the life cycle of rap music is very similar to that of the human life cycle. In the early 80s, rap was in its infancy. It stumbled around and was clumsy as it learned and tried to find its way in the world. As it grew and became more knowledgeable, the work became more artistic, fresh and worthwhile. Now, it is in its later stages of life. It has slowed down, the thought processes are more generic and it doesn’t have that pizzazz that it once did.

Seriously, how many songs can their be about rims? It is getting very dumb. Let me quote one lyric I heard recently, “She made us drinks to drink, we drank them and got drunk.” What the hell does this even mean?

Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. There are still some very good rap artists out there, but just a few. The elderly are similar to this as their time approaches. Some are still vibrant, outgoing and contribute to something to world around them, but most of them really don’t do a whole lot.

One more note about rap music…how insecure are these people? No one ever performs by themselves anymore. It is always someone featuring someone else. Nut up…stand on your own like your rapping forefathers.

Today's Thought

I have been a groomsman several times, but never a best man. Apparently, I know lots of people that consider me a good friend, just not their go to guy.

Furries

Did you know that there is a whole underground culture of people that believe animals, or non-humans, take on human characteristics. Whether it be looks or personality, they believe that all animals are like humans in some way. They call themselves Furries.

The Furry culture has taken their beliefs beyond the realm of related characteristics. Many of them believe that through each other, they can, and should, be related sexually. You can find groups of them in chat rooms and social networks across the internet. They even have a national convention in Pittsburgh every year.

It seems that rarely do people use their real names as a screen name. It is usually some form of a pseudonym. I have decided to create a list of screen names for this community. Please vote on your favorite one. Here they are:

-Duckbillplattapussy
-Whisker Licker
-Horse Humper
-Funky Monkey Love
-Catalingus
-Porky Pig Poker “Dibbity, dibbity, dibbity…that’s my hole folks!”
-Jack Rabbit Hammer
-Fox Twat
-Muffscrat
-Porcupenis
-Muffketeer
-Chipmuff
-Skeetah
-Woodpecker
-Back Door Beaver
-Tucan Clam
-Tickle Me Tiger
-Barack O-Llama
-Dongo
-Cockateel
-Chipokememon
-Camel Toe
-Thumper
-Felching Ferret
-Donkey Punch
-Cockidile
-Enis the Anal Alligator
-Dr. Gyno Rhino
-Manapee on Me
-Pink Taco Panda

I am not sure if this group of people is divided among itself or not. Perhaps the ones dedicated to the art form of being a Furry disapprove of the ones that enjoy the mating aspect of their lifestyle. So far, I have found it hard to make any distinction between the main group and this sub group. I would like to make a suggestion so that there is no confusion. I think the sub group that believes in the mating aspects of their beliefs call themselves Fur Fuckers. Thank you very much.

For further proof, click here!

Today's Thought

When you pass someone on the street walking a weiner dog, pick it up and tell them to go long.

Political Hip-Hop Lingo

I recently saw an interview with Barack Obama on BET. The portion I saw started off asking Obama what hip-hop artists he listened to. He mentioned Jay-Z and some other notable musicians, but noted he was more of an “old school” guy that mostly had Marvin Gaye and Earth, Wind and Fire style songs on his iPod. What got me so interested in this interview was the conversation that followed.

Obama, being the politician that he is, turned the conversation to social issues as all politicians do, rarely answering a question directly. He made valid points about some hip-hop music being derogatory towards women and speaking to negative aspects of society. He continued by saying he would like the artists to focus their songs more on the positive aspects of community in an effort to inspire their listeners.

What got me was the lingo he kept “dropping” during his answers. Anytime a politician tries to keep it real, they always come off sounding so lame. I know most of the country truly believes Obama is a black guy, but I am not so sure. Even dorky black dudes can use words like “real” and “down” when talking about cultural influences like hip-hop and not sound like your father trying to be a bigger part of your life. You could tell Obama was not comfortable talking like this and that only comes from not ever being a part of that lifestyle. I am sure he never listened to any hip-hop until he began his campaign and had to get in touch with his black roots.

But then I got to thinking…how would Hillary Clinton or John McCain answer the same questions? “Mrs. Clinton, which hip-hop artist has influenced your life the most?” I imagine she squirms a little bit before answering, “Well, I think they are all great, but I think Fitty’s trials and tribulations have shined the most light on me, showing me what it takes to persevere in today’s society.” Okay, maybe she could sound worse than Obama.

How about McCain? I think this line of questioning could catch him so off guard, his mind may collapse in on itself trapping his consciousness in his POW hell camp memories, forcing him to run the country with a solid focus of revenge against all asian countries. Little bit scary.

Clinton and McCain are two pretty damn white people and I do not see how they are going to be able to reach out to their non-white constituents. I don’t think I would be very good at it either, but I am not trying to run the country.

Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CORIE! I love you!