To Air is Human

Both my kids farted on me this morning. That would normally be a sucky thing, but I know where they learned it from.

I Got Poop On Me!

Raising kids has been the nuttiest experience of my life. I never knew you could love something so much and want to Shaquille O’Neal their asses in their crib all at the same time. The whole process is exhilarating and exhausting. Watching them grow and know I created them is the greatest honor of my life. Having them test every last ounce of my patience has been the single biggest challenge of my life.

The problem I have learned with raising children is that there is no true “manual” for doing it. Your parents totally lie to you. They either have blocked out the memories of you as a child or they just aren’t willing to tell you everything so that you can go through exactly what they did. My parents never really told me what to expect as a parent, but on several, upon several times they have laughed in my face as I struggled through my experiences. Thanks for everything Ma and Pa.

My first child was a girl. I always wanted a girl, but I was not prepared for it. In my mind, I always thought I would have a boy. I did, just not first. I am not very good with girls. Never have been. To be honest, I cannot explain why my wife is still with me. At first, I am sure I was charming and fun, but I know me, that had to have worn off by now. Not sure that says much for her!

Back to the daughter thing…so there I was, May of 2004 changing my daughter’s diaper, or any diaper, for the first time. The idea of having a daughter still had not completely sunk in yet. I was standing there over her cute little naked self and I couldn’t help but notice there was no penis there. The thing that was there was something that is still a mystery to me today. I had to call my wife and ask her the rules for this situation. What can I and can’t I do here? It was all very confusing to me. I remember thinking this would be so much easier if she were a boy.

Well, I got my wish. April 2007 my son was born. And naturally, I got to my first diaper change with him soon after he was born. I undid the dirty one and there it was…something that I am much more familiar with. And then it hit me, what are the rules here? What can I and can’t I do here? Turns out, nothing had changed except the gender.

So, now I have two kids and I can all but guarantee that will be it. I love them dearly, but I am scared to death that there could be another one. I can tell inside me that I don’t have what it takes for more children. I was meant to have two and that is it. I got very lucky having a girl and a boy. To me, that was a very clear sign to not have any more.

For all you guys out there that are curious or scared about a vasectomy, having your limit in children will answer any questions or doubts you might have. I have no fear anymore of having surgery on my junk. It is a primary goal in my life. I just need to figure out a way to get it covered under insurance. Maybe get a note from a psychiatrist that says a third child will cause me to go frickin’ nuts. Dahmer crazy. I think it easily could.


Don’t get me wrong. I would gladly give my life for my kids, but just these two. I am afraid of having a third and being angry at it for exisiting. I know, I know, that sounds horrible, but you probably don’t have kids. And if you do, then I bet, at least deep down, you agree with me on some level.

Let me tell you which rumors about having kids are true:

-Yes, at some point you will literally have poop everywhere.
-Yes, your social life will diminish.
-Yes, your son’s little pointer will be aimed at your face from time to time.
-Yes, most kid’s cartoons will melt your brain.
-No, your family won’t always be there to help out.
-No, you can’t die from a lack of sleep…die naturally that is.
-No, you should not leave your kids unattended in a full dishwasher.
-No, your kids really aren’t that interesting to other people.

If you are thinking of having kids, I won’t tell you not to, but I will ask that you really, really think about it and, at the very least, do some research. I do believe that having children is a privilege, not a right. Don’t do it because someone else tells you to or because you feel pressured to fit in...do it because you, and only you, know it is the right thing to do. Ask questions and get real answers. It might save your life.

Kissing a Chipmunk

Sometimes you just gotta step up and be a man. Yesterday my wife had to have emergency oral surgery. No, that doesn’t mean she was altered to service me. It means she had an old root canal that got infected and had to have it fixed right away. Apparently it was pretty messed up and she was in a lot of pain. Having never been to a dentist in our new home yet, it was problematic.

She managed it though. She is still in a lot of pain and looks a little funny, but she is better. She looks a little like she is storing a pretty good sized walnut on one side of her mouth. Being me, I find it difficult to not make fun of her. I make fun of everything in almost every situation. I try to hold back, but it is hard. I know she is pain and not in the mood for me, but sometimes I can’t control myself. For her not redirecting her immense pain into the urge to kill me, I thank her.

I do find ways to make up for my verbal mishaps. I have to take charge of everything going on in the house. That means cleaning, feeding and most all, the kids. This is no easy task considering we have an extremely mobile 11 month old boy and a very stubborn three year old girl. You never realize how much they can test you until you are all alone with them, regardless of your barely conscious chipmunk life partner crashed on the couch. She is there and in and out, but can’t is pretty much useless (just right then, not usually!).

Nothing wrong with this though. It is these times that you relearn what being a good husband and father are all about. Stepping up when you have to. Not meaning to toot my own horn here. I didn’t want to do anything more that sit on the couch and watch TV or be on the computer. Maybe I was secretly cussing my chipmunk, but I doubt it. Not saying it was my pleasure to take the reigns, but it was what I had to do, so it was just fine with me.