Bored and Uninspired

I apologize for not posting much recently. Some of it was a recent four day weekend where I was very busy getting stuff done and bumming on the beach, but most of it is just that I have not felt very inspired lately.

As you know, writing requires a lot of inspiration. I don't want to just post anything on here...I want it to be good and funny. Unfortunately, my job has put me in a position that my mind is kind of locked lately. I have an amazing view from my office, which is sweet, but it only inspires me to want to go outside where more funny stuff happens to me. Other than that, the job itself does not really lend itself to creativity.

I promise this won't last long. My dry spells rarely do (except for sex). And it is only a matter of time before someone near me or in the public eye does something stupid, annoying, dumb, arrogant, retarded, mindblowing, assholey or just noteworthy that will pique my curiousity and set spark to my flame of inspiration.

So, please be patient. It's coming. Wait...what was that. Oh, it was nothing. Sorry, false alarm. Keep my blog on your drop down menu near the top. I know you need me!

Geraldine Ferraro May Not Back Barack

Geraldine Ferraro, in a article for the New York Times, said she felt Barack Obama was "terribly sexist" and may not cast her vote for him.

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, "Geraldine Ferraro is still alive?"

We Have A New Winner!

The other day I posted about a Ft. Worth man that shot himself trying to scratch his back with his gun. Stupid people are exposed every day in this world. The trick is trying to keep your ignorance under the radar so not everyone finds out. But, due to the power of the mass media and stupid people's undying ability to get caught, we have a new leader in the world of morons.

Two Pennsylvania men were recently arrested for trying to steal power lines. Unfortunately for them, the power lines were still attached to a transformer high up on a electrical pole. They were both electrocuted, but they lived to tell the tale of there brilliant scheme.

Another rule for being dumb...if you are going to be stupid and want to save yourself the embarrassment of being caught doing stupid things, make sure you die trying.

My initial post electrocution thought...what happens to a mullet when 13 straight shower less days, a touch of fried chicken skin, Schlitz residue and 25,000 volts are combined?

Not So Magic Bullet

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Every story has a counter story that reflects a reverse image. Sometimes the stories take years to unfold. One such story is now complete.

It began in Dallas, TX when John F. Kennedy was shot and killed in suspicious circumstances. Now, the story has completed itself and from just down the road a piece. A Fort Worth, TX man had an itch on his back. He used his gun to scratch it and he shot himself. A much more straight forward story.

JFK was a man of importance, an intelligent person that deserved recognition. Our counterpart is clearly an idiot of severe insignificance. We have come full circle.

Same Sex Classrooms

Apparently, some Massachusetts public schools are experimenting with same sex classrooms. The thinking is that the children's raging hormones are affecting their ability to expand their knowledge. The experiment is to see if grades will improve when the children's focus is redirected away from boobies and penises (or is it peni?).

I feel this is going to be a failed experiment. Are grades better in Catholic schools? Are kid's attentions more on their schoolwork or the kids in the other gender schools? The way I see it is there are four possible outcomes to this idea:

1. Some horribly unfortunate Columbine type situation.

2. Sharp increase in teenage suicide.

3. Increase in same sex relationships (hotter in one room than the other).

4. Lots and lots of whores.

The last outcome is primarily going to happen to the girls. In my experience as a guy, if I could of been a whore, if I had the personality to get girls to talk to me, much less sleep with me, I would of been a whore. I can't imagine too many guys that wouldn't be a whore if given the opportunity. There definitely are some out there. I wanted to be one. I really, really did. But sadly, it was not in the cards for me. C'est la vie.

So, I urge the Massachusetts schools not to go further with these plans. The outcome will simply lead to far too much death and the clap.

America's Pastime

Lately, I have had a unique opportunity to view a lot of online material (don't ask why, it's too hard to explain). Primarily, I have been watching video clips on YouTube. I have come to the conclusion that YouTube has to now be America's pastime.

Sure, this post may seem a little behind the times, but I am not trying to point out that YouTube exists. I have merely become amazed about how we, as a people, spend our free time. I do believe in the Internet. Obviously, since you are reading this. I think it is an amazing place full of wonder and intrigue. It is also full of stupid shit and retards. This is where YouTube comes in.

I think it is just terrific that there is an online outlet for people to express themselves with complete freedom and autonomy. It lets people, regardless of there simplicities, feel special...important to their friends and family. Unfortunately, YouTube has become a cesspool for people to show other people what they do in private with their, sometimes, free time.

Basically, what I have learned is that people will do anything for their 10 minutes of fame (I have reduced it from 15 because YouTube only allows 10 minute clips). I have briefly summarized the things I have seen on YouTube to give you a synopsis of what people apparently believe:

1. People really think other people want to see their kids do a somersault.

2. People really think other people want to see their horses.

3. There are a lot of white women that think they can make their ass move like a black woman.

4. People really like to pretend they are Luke/Anakin Skywalker.

5. Everyone can sing a song better than the original artist.

6. A 87 picture montage of yourself is appropriate.

7. A lame video set to music makes it better.

8. Michael Jackson is an o.k. guy.

9. 8 seconds of video followed by 4 and a half minutes of black is cool.

10. Dora the Explorer and Spongebob Squarepants swear uncontrollably.

11. 8 year old white kids are America's Best Dance Crew.

12. Framing the camera appropriately is unnecessary.

Maybe Your Car Shouldn't Talk To You

Microsoft and Hyundai-Kia announced today that they are partnering to place voice activated infotainment (I did not make up this word) systems in upcoming model Hyundai and Kia cars.

This should be a nice treat for the purchasers of these fine automobiles. Now, the car can actually remind them that they bought a piece of crap each and every day.

"Good morning car."

"Good morning sir and thanks again for purchasing me. Most people just step around a pile of poop on the street."

A Song Parody

A little something different. This is a remix of Pearl Jam's Better Man.

Waiting, watching the clock, it's 4 o'clock, it's time to snack.
Get up, wait no more.

She practices her stroke as she opens the jar,
She grows colder, starts to weep as she closes the drawer.

She dreams of toast, she don't like bread,
Can't find a butter knife.
She lies and says she still loves bread,
Can't find a butter knife,
Can't find a butter knife.

Talkin' to herself, there's no one else with the cooked dough
She tells herself, oh...
Memories back when she was young and thin,
And waits for the knife to come along...
Swears she saw it, now she swears it's gone.

She dreams of toast, she don't like bread,
Can't find a butter knife.
She lies and says she still loves bread,
Can't find a butter knife,
Can't find a butter knife.

She wants it, yea...she don't want to look all day
She needs it, yeah...that's why she's not thin.

Can't find a butter knife,
Can't find a butter knife.