Dance Tips for Bad Dancers

My wife and I have a lot in common. Might be the reason we are still together. We both like the same kind of movies, same music, same foods. One thing we differ on is dancing. She grew up dancing competitively and for fun. I did not. Unfortunately, I was affected with a disease at birth that cause you to be tone deaf and without rhythm. It’s called “caucasionitis.” There is no cure for the disease, but you can learn to live with it.

Having a wife who likes to dance could make our nights out difficult with my affliction. But, being the loving husband that I am (please refer to my roast of my wife!), I always went along so we could have fun together. I learned a lot about myself during these outings. But, mainly, I was able to develop some tips that can help you if you are one of the millions suffering from caucasionitis.

First, always take a drink on the floor with you. This keeps one arm occupied. That is one less limb that can flail around and hurt someone or your own rep. Also, if you are attempting to dance and you feel the rhythm slipping, you just stop dancing, take a step back and get a pull off your drink. Looks like you meant to. WARNING: Too much use of this tip could lead to drunkenness and accidentally hitting on the wrong wife!

Second tip is called “The Face Touch.” This one is pretty simple. While dancing just touch your face or head a lot. Brush your hair or do the cocaine nose rub, maybe even that funky little John Travolta from Pulp Fiction sideways peace sign over the eyes. The goal of this move is to draw attention away from your legs which are usually doing the opposite of your upper body. It’s a distraction technique. Works well.

Finally, the last tip is called “The Fake Bump.” If used correctly, it can get you out of some potentially embarrassing dance situations. Basically, what you do is, while you are out on the floor doing your thing and you feel the groove slipping again, you simply fake getting bumped by someone next to you. You then continue to get in this person’s face. “What the hell bra? Why don’t you watch what you are doing! You almost spilt my drink (nice use of tip #1). Come on honey, let’s get off the floor!” See, not only do you get to look tough in front of your lady, you get to stop dancing and everyone is safe.

If you can learn to master these three rules, you too can enjoy a night of dancing despite suffering from chronic caucasionitis. Now, go out and impress your girl by taking her to a club. Good luck and god speed.