The Truth About Meteorology

How come the weather people on the news are always wrong, yet they get to keep their jobs? Day after day they predict the weather and are consistently wrong, but each day they return to their post at the news desk. How is this possible? No one else has this kind of security in their professions. It’s not like a pilot can drive his plane off the runway right before take off and his boss tells him, “That’s o.k. Bill. Just take the 4:15 to Chicago.”

No, only weather men. This has got to be the best job in the world. You can be constantly wrong and never lose your job. It’s perfect. I have a theory about this. I believe that when these people go to college, somewhere in their second year or so, their professors bring them all into a room and lock the door. Then, they reveal to them the big secret.

“Meteorology is all a load of crap,” they explain. “It always has been. There is no real way to predict what the weather is going to do. But…if you listen to what we say and do what we tell you, you will have a very long and successful career and get to be on television!”

They swear to secrecy and all their dreams come true. As soon as they graduate, they are placed at a news station somewhere in the country, completely based on looks and personality. Here they will sit as a minor celebrity in that town for as long as they want as long as they keep the secret.

Now, think about it. These guys rarely come close to getting the weather right. They use vague statements and ambiguous predictions. 80% chance of rain…they are right either way! If it rains, they can say I said there was an above average chance. If it doesn’t rain, then they can say, “I said there was a 20% chance it wouldn’t.” Or people don’t care because they are just happy it’s not raining.

Partly cloudy? If there is even one cloud in the sky, that’s partly cloudy! And again, if it is a cloudless day, oh well. It’s perfect outside and who cares if they are wrong.

Doppler radar? Tell me that is not a made up word and a made up piece of equipment. Oh sure, they have some kind of radar system, but any jackass can look at a radar and be able to tell if there is a storm coming. Oooh, a green blob…what is that?

You may be asking, “But Brian, I have seen turnover at the meteorologist position on my local news television station. If this the most perfect job, how do you explain this?” Simply, don’t you think I would thought of that?

Whenever a weather person leaves a position, it is explained in one of two ways. Either someone retired and a position opened in a larger market and the next most qualified person, again based on looks and personality, moved into this spot. Everyone moves up a spot across the nation.

Or, the worst thing a weather person can do has happened. They let the secret slip. They talked and got busted. Check next time and see if this person was ever heard from again! Also, check to see if the person they blabbed to can be found! The people in charge of the world of meteorology are not to be messed with. This conspiracy ranks up there with Area 51, JFK and the Da Vinci Code! You can never talk…not to friends, not to family, not to anyone. I know it sounds outrageous, but there is no other legitimate explanation.

How do I know all of this and I am still alive and have the balls to publish my theories? Not totally sure. Check to see if I have any more postings after today. Maybe they don’t know about me yet. Or, more likely, they know that no one has ever taken me seriously and no one will listen to me. That, and there is a good chance I don’t have any readers! But, until then, I am here and I will be spitting the truth like hot fire! Stay tuned.