Signs of Aging

Each and every day, I am constantly reminded of how old I am getting. My bones ache, my joints creak and my body is shifting in ways that appear to be irreversible. I understand that this is a natural process of life, but I am frickin’ 32 years old. It just doesn’t seem right.

To the outsider looking at me, my first sign of aging is clearly my hair. I am grey and balding. I emphasize the “ding” part of that word. I am honestly not one of those guys that is holding on to his remaining scraps of hair. I haven’t tried to grow it out for the comb over effect or go for that oh so fashionable Garfunkle look…yet. Besides, I am married. I don’t have to impress anyone anymore.

I don’t see my balding so much as a hair loss, but more of a relocation. I say this because about the same time my hair began leaving my head, it started showing up in other places. I constantly hear a gentle rustling, I have an enchanted forest growing on the small of my back and my ears are warmer. Not only that, I get what I call mutant hairs. I get these random, single hairs that grow out of my eyebrow…overnight. Seriously, I wake up in the morning and there is this 1 ½ inch long grey hair growing out of my brown eyebrow. It wasn’t there when I went to bed. Oh, and to further emphasize my theory, the mutant eyebrow shifted to my ear the other day. What the F is that all about?

And what the hell is with the adult acne? Again, I am 32. I honestly thought that zits went away when you turned 18. Now, I get super zits. They are bigger, uglier and more powerful, like a genetically engineered Lex Luther. They are evil and have impeccable timing as to when to show up and create a crisis on my face. When I was a kid, you could just pop those things, go to bed and when you wake up they are gone. Now, if you dare mess with it you risk a bloody scab spot for weeks. And, of course, the acne is in new places. Sure the back, but the scalp too! This sucks. These are mega zits that can’t be taken care of and can no longer be hidden by a thick mane.

But, to this day, the clearest sign of aging I have come across is when your boys hang lower than your captain. In case you can’t tell what I am talking about, I mean when your balls hang below the tip of your penis. This happens faster for some unfortunate guys, but it is a sign of aging regardless.