Louisiana Boy

That’s right. I am a Southern boy born and raised in Louisiana. Now, before you go making any assumptions about me, just so you know, my sister is in fact my sister. She is not my cousin, or my Mom or my wife. I have never had relations with her nor do I plan on it. Although she does have the purtiest mouth I have ever seen. Wow.

Louisiana is a great place to be from, I think. It is very different than the rest of the country. One thing that we have there that I have not seen anywhere else…drive-thru liquor. That’s right, drive-thru liquor. Her name is Sheila and she hangs out on the corner. Just pull up and a dollar a lick.

Actually, almost all the liquor stores back home have windows on the side where you just drive up, order whatever alcohol you want and then drive off. Novel concept. Kind of puts a little kink in the whole drinking and driving thing. It really is a good faith showing on the part of the state to trust its residents not to partake in their beverages before they get to their destination.

And it isn’t just beer. You can get any liquor, wine, even daiquiris. Yea, frozen daiquiris. How is this not an open container you ask? Well, you see what they do is put a piece of scotch tape over the straw hole! This high tech piece of security hardware prevents you from putting your straw into that hole before you get to where you are going. The logic is flawless. Sure, you could just take the lid off and leave the tape on, but what upstanding citizen would do something so foolish?
Another lovely thing that still exist in Louisiana is the Klan. Yup, the KKK still exists there and quite proudly. They don't out too much, but every once in a while, they get all dressed up and go do their ridiculous thing.

I remember once in high school, they were protesting outside of my school. Apparently they felt the white kids were being treated unfairly. I myself am white and was confused by their concerns. They were out there chanting, "The white children are being kept down. All the benefits are going to the blacks and the jews." I didn't really know what to think because I did not feel very disadvantaged at all.

So, I thought maybe I should have a word with them. I opened a window and yelled down, "Hey, ah, Klan guys. We're fine here," by we I mean the whiteys. "Ya'll can go on home now. We're ok. Jamal, Lipschitz, come here," as I wrap my arms around my friend's shoulders. "These are my friends and we are all doing fine. We appreciate you stopping by and thinking of us, but we are ok. Thanks." I poked my head back out quickly, "Oh, and Dad, I need a ride home. NO, don't take your hood off!" He always embarrasses me.

As much as I love Louisiana, I had to get out for a little while. After college, I left and moved west to San Francisco. I know what you are thinking and no, I am not gay. I’ll tell you like I tell everyone else, I moved out there with a woman, I married that woman, she still is a woman.

Of course I live in New Jersey now, just outside of NYC, but I will always miss being in Louisiana. Sure our politics are backwards and our rules don’t relate to the rest of the country, but we are a happy people. Outsiders don’t always understand us, but that is fine. I’ve always felt that the South is almost like a different country. You really need your passport to cross the Mason-Dixon (love you Eli). Well, that is about it for now. Peace in.