The Lottery

You gotta pay attention to the Lottery, but do it without getting greedy. Get your tickets when the jackpot is low. I am, of course, speaking to the people out there whose education exceeded the 5th grade! It's when the jackpot gets high that the lottery commission goes out of their way to find the most backwards-ass, hillbilly redneck to give all that money to.

There was one a while back when the powerball jackpot was $250 million. Some mountain chick bought one ticket...on her way home from stripping and won the whole thing. This chick was a piece of work, too. She shows up to the press conference wearing glass heels, acid-washed Daisy Dukes, and a wife beater that said "Miss Behavin.'" That was bedazzled on. Couple of beads had fallen off! Not one of her teeth went in the same direction, her eye make-up would of made Picasso gush, her roots were a good foot long and she had some bangs that went straight up in near equal length.

They asked her what she was going to do with the money. She responded, "I think I might get a horse farm. I'm kind of tired of my pig farm." Wow. So, no matter how much money she has, waking up to the smell of manure is still her dream!

The best part was when the camera panned over to her stepfather! (I can only assume she will use some of the money to find her real father) This guy had the most perfect mullet I have ever seen. I mean, this thing was cherry. It looked like a Chia pet that had only been watered on one side. If his stepdaughter shares some of the money, maybe he can pay women to sleep with him instead of hitting on her all the time.

What are these people going to do with all that money. I suppose they could fix up their home a little. Get some new things like a solid gold Trans Am or a Rolls Royce up on blocks. Maybe some brand new appliances for the front yard.

I always wanted to see the follow up story on these people, to see what they actually did with all the money. Maybe take a tour of their home like on MTV's Cribs. You know the show where you get to see how the super rich live and you don't simply because they can ride a bike or rhyme. Could you imagine it?

The cameras show up and the doors swing open..."Hey, how y'all doin'? Welcome to our abode." Of course the attire has not changed since before the winning numbers were announced. Except that the stained wife-beater has been washed. "Y'all got here just in time. We just finished the construction. We put a second story on our double wide. They don't make triple wides so we had to built it up...towards Jesus," as he takes another swig off his Busch tall boy that still has the plastic six pack holder on it. "They said we should get some art for the walls so we did. This poster one here is a Monet," he pronounces phonetically, "and this one here is a, a, a Peekachoo." The tour continues..."Y'alls gots to see this in the glass case here. This is a glass figurine of the Starship Enterprise. That's nice ain't it? I had this baby on layaway before we gots rich, but it's all mine now. Y'all come into the kitchenette. You're probably wondering why we put a big screen TV in here...it's so we can watch TV while we're eating, duh! I paid the cable guy extra so we only gots 2 channels...wrastlin' and COPS. Now that's saweet! Ooh, this heres my favorite COPS...'dis the one where my wife smacks dat offiser in the face."

Now, I don't mind working hard all my life to get my millions, but I will certainly keep buying my tickets and bypass all that work crap. The thought of these jackasses with all that money and me having so little keeps me up at night. I can't have it. I speak to all of you reminding you to get out there and get your tickets now, before they give it all to Billy Ray Cyrus' family!