The big news is New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s involvement with a prostitution ring. It was found that he visited, at least once a month, with a prostitute at about $3000 a pop. Lots of questions have stemmed from these events. Did he use public funds? Did he cross state lines with the prostitute? Should he resign? Should he remain? Will he get divorced?
Having the mindset that I do, I rarely take things at face value. Things are rarely as simple as they seem, I think. So, the main question that came to my mind when all of this began to unfold was “Who is really at fault here?”
It couldn’t just been all Spitzer’s fault, could it? Is he just a horn dog that needed it so badly that he forgot about his civic duties? Was he driven into the arms of a prostitute or was he unable to avoid the siren’s song?
Maybe his wife did drive him to this. Maybe if she had been more nurturing, Spitzer would not of sought another woman’s comfort outside of his marriage. Maybe if she had just put out more he wouldn’t of gone this route! Of course I don’t know this for sure, but it has happened to a lot of men.
Is it possible that this prostitute was so alluring that he couldn’t resist her? I think most men would agree that they have met a woman that they couldn’t get out of their mind or someone that made them feel a certain special way. I doubt they are usually whores, but from time to time they must be. Maybe she was just that good. Maybe she did things to him that blew his mind, or certain body parts, and he couldn’t stay away. I did see a picture of this woman and she wasn’t bad. Definitely on the upper echelon of whores…at least compared to the ones at the Bunny Ranch outside Vegas. Saw it on HBO. That is all I happen to know about whores, I swear it.
One of the most ironic parts of this whole ordeal is that Spitzer, when he was the Attorney General, prosecuted this exact type of case. He even pushed for a law that brought charges against the men that paid for sex with prostitutes. Not very good foresight on the Governor’s part there!
I am not sure I agree with Spitzer having to resign. I recall a certain person in a high profile position having sex with an intern, admitting to it and getting to keep his job. Does it all depend on the job you have that determines your ability to sustain it amidst crisis? Based on all the public figures that have lost their jobs due to similar scenarios, I guess being President is the only protection you could have to secure your job.
Bottom line, whether I agree with what he did or what becomes of it, Spitzer screwed up big time. He tried hard to conceal it and he got away with it for a while, but he forgot that if you are a public official, you cannot ever do anything wrong. The media gets bored and feeds off the littlest indiscretions. Something of this magnitude can destroy a person. So, in closing, I say, way to go dumbass. You were governor of the most powerful state in the union and now you might go to jail for breaking a law you created. Very, very, very dumb. You may have been pushed or drawn into this predicament, but in the end, it is entirely your fault.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I Got Poop On Me!
Raising kids has been the nuttiest experience of my life. I never knew you could love something so much and want to Shaquille O’Neal their asses in their crib all at the same time. The whole process is exhilarating and exhausting. Watching them grow and know I created them is the greatest honor of my life. Having them test every last ounce of my patience has been the single biggest challenge of my life.
The problem I have learned with raising children is that there is no true “manual” for doing it. Your parents totally lie to you. They either have blocked out the memories of you as a child or they just aren’t willing to tell you everything so that you can go through exactly what they did. My parents never really told me what to expect as a parent, but on several, upon several times they have laughed in my face as I struggled through my experiences. Thanks for everything Ma and Pa.
My first child was a girl. I always wanted a girl, but I was not prepared for it. In my mind, I always thought I would have a boy. I did, just not first. I am not very good with girls. Never have been. To be honest, I cannot explain why my wife is still with me. At first, I am sure I was charming and fun, but I know me, that had to have worn off by now. Not sure that says much for her!
Back to the daughter thing…so there I was, May of 2004 changing my daughter’s diaper, or any diaper, for the first time. The idea of having a daughter still had not completely sunk in yet. I was standing there over her cute little naked self and I couldn’t help but notice there was no penis there. The thing that was there was something that is still a mystery to me today. I had to call my wife and ask her the rules for this situation. What can I and can’t I do here? It was all very confusing to me. I remember thinking this would be so much easier if she were a boy.
Well, I got my wish. April 2007 my son was born. And naturally, I got to my first diaper change with him soon after he was born. I undid the dirty one and there it was…something that I am much more familiar with. And then it hit me, what are the rules here? What can I and can’t I do here? Turns out, nothing had changed except the gender.
So, now I have two kids and I can all but guarantee that will be it. I love them dearly, but I am scared to death that there could be another one. I can tell inside me that I don’t have what it takes for more children. I was meant to have two and that is it. I got very lucky having a girl and a boy. To me, that was a very clear sign to not have any more.
For all you guys out there that are curious or scared about a vasectomy, having your limit in children will answer any questions or doubts you might have. I have no fear anymore of having surgery on my junk. It is a primary goal in my life. I just need to figure out a way to get it covered under insurance. Maybe get a note from a psychiatrist that says a third child will cause me to go frickin’ nuts. Dahmer crazy. I think it easily could.
Don’t get me wrong. I would gladly give my life for my kids, but just these two. I am afraid of having a third and being angry at it for exisiting. I know, I know, that sounds horrible, but you probably don’t have kids. And if you do, then I bet, at least deep down, you agree with me on some level.
Let me tell you which rumors about having kids are true:
-Yes, at some point you will literally have poop everywhere.
-Yes, your social life will diminish.
-Yes, your son’s little pointer will be aimed at your face from time to time.
-Yes, most kid’s cartoons will melt your brain.
-No, your family won’t always be there to help out.
-No, you can’t die from a lack of sleep…die naturally that is.
-No, you should not leave your kids unattended in a full dishwasher.
-No, your kids really aren’t that interesting to other people.
If you are thinking of having kids, I won’t tell you not to, but I will ask that you really, really think about it and, at the very least, do some research. I do believe that having children is a privilege, not a right. Don’t do it because someone else tells you to or because you feel pressured to fit in...do it because you, and only you, know it is the right thing to do. Ask questions and get real answers. It might save your life.
The problem I have learned with raising children is that there is no true “manual” for doing it. Your parents totally lie to you. They either have blocked out the memories of you as a child or they just aren’t willing to tell you everything so that you can go through exactly what they did. My parents never really told me what to expect as a parent, but on several, upon several times they have laughed in my face as I struggled through my experiences. Thanks for everything Ma and Pa.
My first child was a girl. I always wanted a girl, but I was not prepared for it. In my mind, I always thought I would have a boy. I did, just not first. I am not very good with girls. Never have been. To be honest, I cannot explain why my wife is still with me. At first, I am sure I was charming and fun, but I know me, that had to have worn off by now. Not sure that says much for her!
Back to the daughter thing…so there I was, May of 2004 changing my daughter’s diaper, or any diaper, for the first time. The idea of having a daughter still had not completely sunk in yet. I was standing there over her cute little naked self and I couldn’t help but notice there was no penis there. The thing that was there was something that is still a mystery to me today. I had to call my wife and ask her the rules for this situation. What can I and can’t I do here? It was all very confusing to me. I remember thinking this would be so much easier if she were a boy.
Well, I got my wish. April 2007 my son was born. And naturally, I got to my first diaper change with him soon after he was born. I undid the dirty one and there it was…something that I am much more familiar with. And then it hit me, what are the rules here? What can I and can’t I do here? Turns out, nothing had changed except the gender.
So, now I have two kids and I can all but guarantee that will be it. I love them dearly, but I am scared to death that there could be another one. I can tell inside me that I don’t have what it takes for more children. I was meant to have two and that is it. I got very lucky having a girl and a boy. To me, that was a very clear sign to not have any more.
For all you guys out there that are curious or scared about a vasectomy, having your limit in children will answer any questions or doubts you might have. I have no fear anymore of having surgery on my junk. It is a primary goal in my life. I just need to figure out a way to get it covered under insurance. Maybe get a note from a psychiatrist that says a third child will cause me to go frickin’ nuts. Dahmer crazy. I think it easily could.
Don’t get me wrong. I would gladly give my life for my kids, but just these two. I am afraid of having a third and being angry at it for exisiting. I know, I know, that sounds horrible, but you probably don’t have kids. And if you do, then I bet, at least deep down, you agree with me on some level.
Let me tell you which rumors about having kids are true:
-Yes, at some point you will literally have poop everywhere.
-Yes, your social life will diminish.
-Yes, your son’s little pointer will be aimed at your face from time to time.
-Yes, most kid’s cartoons will melt your brain.
-No, your family won’t always be there to help out.
-No, you can’t die from a lack of sleep…die naturally that is.
-No, you should not leave your kids unattended in a full dishwasher.
-No, your kids really aren’t that interesting to other people.
If you are thinking of having kids, I won’t tell you not to, but I will ask that you really, really think about it and, at the very least, do some research. I do believe that having children is a privilege, not a right. Don’t do it because someone else tells you to or because you feel pressured to fit in...do it because you, and only you, know it is the right thing to do. Ask questions and get real answers. It might save your life.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Dance Tips for Bad Dancers
My wife and I have a lot in common. Might be the reason we are still together. We both like the same kind of movies, same music, same foods. One thing we differ on is dancing. She grew up dancing competitively and for fun. I did not. Unfortunately, I was affected with a disease at birth that cause you to be tone deaf and without rhythm. It’s called “caucasionitis.” There is no cure for the disease, but you can learn to live with it.
Having a wife who likes to dance could make our nights out difficult with my affliction. But, being the loving husband that I am (please refer to my roast of my wife!), I always went along so we could have fun together. I learned a lot about myself during these outings. But, mainly, I was able to develop some tips that can help you if you are one of the millions suffering from caucasionitis.
First, always take a drink on the floor with you. This keeps one arm occupied. That is one less limb that can flail around and hurt someone or your own rep. Also, if you are attempting to dance and you feel the rhythm slipping, you just stop dancing, take a step back and get a pull off your drink. Looks like you meant to. WARNING: Too much use of this tip could lead to drunkenness and accidentally hitting on the wrong wife!
Second tip is called “The Face Touch.” This one is pretty simple. While dancing just touch your face or head a lot. Brush your hair or do the cocaine nose rub, maybe even that funky little John Travolta from Pulp Fiction sideways peace sign over the eyes. The goal of this move is to draw attention away from your legs which are usually doing the opposite of your upper body. It’s a distraction technique. Works well.
Finally, the last tip is called “The Fake Bump.” If used correctly, it can get you out of some potentially embarrassing dance situations. Basically, what you do is, while you are out on the floor doing your thing and you feel the groove slipping again, you simply fake getting bumped by someone next to you. You then continue to get in this person’s face. “What the hell bra? Why don’t you watch what you are doing! You almost spilt my drink (nice use of tip #1). Come on honey, let’s get off the floor!” See, not only do you get to look tough in front of your lady, you get to stop dancing and everyone is safe.
If you can learn to master these three rules, you too can enjoy a night of dancing despite suffering from chronic caucasionitis. Now, go out and impress your girl by taking her to a club. Good luck and god speed.
Having a wife who likes to dance could make our nights out difficult with my affliction. But, being the loving husband that I am (please refer to my roast of my wife!), I always went along so we could have fun together. I learned a lot about myself during these outings. But, mainly, I was able to develop some tips that can help you if you are one of the millions suffering from caucasionitis.
First, always take a drink on the floor with you. This keeps one arm occupied. That is one less limb that can flail around and hurt someone or your own rep. Also, if you are attempting to dance and you feel the rhythm slipping, you just stop dancing, take a step back and get a pull off your drink. Looks like you meant to. WARNING: Too much use of this tip could lead to drunkenness and accidentally hitting on the wrong wife!
Second tip is called “The Face Touch.” This one is pretty simple. While dancing just touch your face or head a lot. Brush your hair or do the cocaine nose rub, maybe even that funky little John Travolta from Pulp Fiction sideways peace sign over the eyes. The goal of this move is to draw attention away from your legs which are usually doing the opposite of your upper body. It’s a distraction technique. Works well.
Finally, the last tip is called “The Fake Bump.” If used correctly, it can get you out of some potentially embarrassing dance situations. Basically, what you do is, while you are out on the floor doing your thing and you feel the groove slipping again, you simply fake getting bumped by someone next to you. You then continue to get in this person’s face. “What the hell bra? Why don’t you watch what you are doing! You almost spilt my drink (nice use of tip #1). Come on honey, let’s get off the floor!” See, not only do you get to look tough in front of your lady, you get to stop dancing and everyone is safe.
If you can learn to master these three rules, you too can enjoy a night of dancing despite suffering from chronic caucasionitis. Now, go out and impress your girl by taking her to a club. Good luck and god speed.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Kissing a Chipmunk
Sometimes you just gotta step up and be a man. Yesterday my wife had to have emergency oral surgery. No, that doesn’t mean she was altered to service me. It means she had an old root canal that got infected and had to have it fixed right away. Apparently it was pretty messed up and she was in a lot of pain. Having never been to a dentist in our new home yet, it was problematic.
She managed it though. She is still in a lot of pain and looks a little funny, but she is better. She looks a little like she is storing a pretty good sized walnut on one side of her mouth. Being me, I find it difficult to not make fun of her. I make fun of everything in almost every situation. I try to hold back, but it is hard. I know she is pain and not in the mood for me, but sometimes I can’t control myself. For her not redirecting her immense pain into the urge to kill me, I thank her.
I do find ways to make up for my verbal mishaps. I have to take charge of everything going on in the house. That means cleaning, feeding and most all, the kids. This is no easy task considering we have an extremely mobile 11 month old boy and a very stubborn three year old girl. You never realize how much they can test you until you are all alone with them, regardless of your barely conscious chipmunk life partner crashed on the couch. She is there and in and out, but can’t is pretty much useless (just right then, not usually!).
Nothing wrong with this though. It is these times that you relearn what being a good husband and father are all about. Stepping up when you have to. Not meaning to toot my own horn here. I didn’t want to do anything more that sit on the couch and watch TV or be on the computer. Maybe I was secretly cussing my chipmunk, but I doubt it. Not saying it was my pleasure to take the reigns, but it was what I had to do, so it was just fine with me.
She managed it though. She is still in a lot of pain and looks a little funny, but she is better. She looks a little like she is storing a pretty good sized walnut on one side of her mouth. Being me, I find it difficult to not make fun of her. I make fun of everything in almost every situation. I try to hold back, but it is hard. I know she is pain and not in the mood for me, but sometimes I can’t control myself. For her not redirecting her immense pain into the urge to kill me, I thank her.
I do find ways to make up for my verbal mishaps. I have to take charge of everything going on in the house. That means cleaning, feeding and most all, the kids. This is no easy task considering we have an extremely mobile 11 month old boy and a very stubborn three year old girl. You never realize how much they can test you until you are all alone with them, regardless of your barely conscious chipmunk life partner crashed on the couch. She is there and in and out, but can’t is pretty much useless (just right then, not usually!).
Nothing wrong with this though. It is these times that you relearn what being a good husband and father are all about. Stepping up when you have to. Not meaning to toot my own horn here. I didn’t want to do anything more that sit on the couch and watch TV or be on the computer. Maybe I was secretly cussing my chipmunk, but I doubt it. Not saying it was my pleasure to take the reigns, but it was what I had to do, so it was just fine with me.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Proper Cell Phone Usage
Some one needs to say it. Someone needs to let these people know. Stop wearing your cell phone on your belt! Your pocket is about an inch away. Just put your phone in there. It’s not like you are carrying around one of those original cell phones that are the size of a pay phone. These things have been designed small just so they are indiscreet and handy. Put them in your pocket, please. Not only do you not look cool, you look stupid.
Ok, maybe about 12 years ago when cell phones were new and fancy and you really needed everyone to know that you had one and you were cool, wearing them on your hip served a purpose. Granted, it was to inflate your extremely low self esteem, but it did have a purpose. Now, everyone has a cell phone, the purpose no longer exists. It has no bearing on a person’s importance or monetary standing any more. Kids have them, old folks have them, no one is special anymore. Stop it.
Also, people need a lesson in proper cell phone usage. Being as prevalent as they are, it is time to review social graces. Stop being rude! If you are in an elevator, on a bus, at dinner with friends or family, don’t use the phone. Don’t force people to hear your conversations. Don’t text or email when you are supposed to be socializing. If you really need to do these things, then step away from the polite people around you or just simply wait till later. It really isn’t that hard.
Have you ever been on the bus, or somewhere else that presents a cramped environment, and the person next to you answers their phone. And not just a whispering hello, but they launch in a loud, boisterous conversation about how their man ain’t got no sense. Yea, I am sure you have experienced this. Here is what you do next time this happens near you…let them get nice and involved in their chat. Then pretend your cell phone rings and answer it:
“Hello,” you say very loudly. “What’s happening? Yea, things are cool. What?,” you yell. “No, there is nothing wrong with my phone. I just wanted this asshole next to me to see what it was like to make everyone listen to your pointless business. Yea, right next to me. No, he’s looking right at me. Yea, he looks just like an asshole!” It’s all about sending a message.
Of course, you need to be a little careful. If this person is dumb enough to be so rude, then they may be the fightin’ kind. Best of luck to you making the world a better place!
P.S. While I am at it, if you are not making a call, put your stupid looking Bluetooth ear piece in your pocket. Having this equipment does not make you cool. Stop it. Also, if it is not sunny or you are inside, take off your damn sunglasses. And, if it is not cold or you again find yourself inside, take off your damn knit hat. A quick reminder…If everyone else is doing it, you are not unique or special, you are a lame follower.
Ok, maybe about 12 years ago when cell phones were new and fancy and you really needed everyone to know that you had one and you were cool, wearing them on your hip served a purpose. Granted, it was to inflate your extremely low self esteem, but it did have a purpose. Now, everyone has a cell phone, the purpose no longer exists. It has no bearing on a person’s importance or monetary standing any more. Kids have them, old folks have them, no one is special anymore. Stop it.
Also, people need a lesson in proper cell phone usage. Being as prevalent as they are, it is time to review social graces. Stop being rude! If you are in an elevator, on a bus, at dinner with friends or family, don’t use the phone. Don’t force people to hear your conversations. Don’t text or email when you are supposed to be socializing. If you really need to do these things, then step away from the polite people around you or just simply wait till later. It really isn’t that hard.
Have you ever been on the bus, or somewhere else that presents a cramped environment, and the person next to you answers their phone. And not just a whispering hello, but they launch in a loud, boisterous conversation about how their man ain’t got no sense. Yea, I am sure you have experienced this. Here is what you do next time this happens near you…let them get nice and involved in their chat. Then pretend your cell phone rings and answer it:
“Hello,” you say very loudly. “What’s happening? Yea, things are cool. What?,” you yell. “No, there is nothing wrong with my phone. I just wanted this asshole next to me to see what it was like to make everyone listen to your pointless business. Yea, right next to me. No, he’s looking right at me. Yea, he looks just like an asshole!” It’s all about sending a message.
Of course, you need to be a little careful. If this person is dumb enough to be so rude, then they may be the fightin’ kind. Best of luck to you making the world a better place!
P.S. While I am at it, if you are not making a call, put your stupid looking Bluetooth ear piece in your pocket. Having this equipment does not make you cool. Stop it. Also, if it is not sunny or you are inside, take off your damn sunglasses. And, if it is not cold or you again find yourself inside, take off your damn knit hat. A quick reminder…If everyone else is doing it, you are not unique or special, you are a lame follower.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Quotes To Live By (And Some Others)
“Give me the biggest guy in the world, you crush his knee, he’ll fall like a stone.”
-Patrick Swayze, Roadhouse
“My lips hurt real bad”
-Napolean Dynamite
“Forget the curveball Ricky, give ‘em the heater”
-Coach Brown, Major League
“You tellin’ me Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball?”
-Harris, Major League
“If I don’t see you, keep on…keep truckin’.”
-Frank the Tank, Old School
“These boogers are hard to get out!”
-My Daughter, age 3
“Where am I? And why am I in 2/3s of a hospital room?”
-Gob, Arrested Development
“What do you think of the name Sudden Valley?” “It makes me think of salad dressing, but for some reason, I don’t want to eat it.”
-Michael, Arrested Development
“The things you own begin to own you.”
-Tyler Durdin, Fight Club
“A flute with no holes is not a flute. A doughnut with no hole is a Danish.”
-Zen Philosopher, Basho
“Forget gun control. We should have bullet control. We should make bullets cost $5000 a piece. If bullets cost $5000, there wouldn’t be any more innocent bystanders!”
-Chris Rock
“Don’t eat red meat. Don’t eat white meat. Fuck that…don’t eat green meat.”
-Chris Rock
“Hold your fuckin’ moment.”
-Some random thug in a Vegas strip club
“You are sooo good looking!”
-Seinfeld
“Well it’s hard to do anything with Captain Cuckoo Bananas in charge.”
-Homer Simpson
“Don’t act like you’re not impressed.”
-Ron Burgundy, Anchor Man
“Jelly doughnut comin’.”
-Doug McKenzie, Strange Brew
“I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.”
-Leslie Nielsen, Airplane!
“Pain don’t hurt.”
-Dalton, Roadhouse
-Patrick Swayze, Roadhouse
“My lips hurt real bad”
-Napolean Dynamite
“Forget the curveball Ricky, give ‘em the heater”
-Coach Brown, Major League
“You tellin’ me Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball?”
-Harris, Major League
“If I don’t see you, keep on…keep truckin’.”
-Frank the Tank, Old School
“These boogers are hard to get out!”
-My Daughter, age 3
“Where am I? And why am I in 2/3s of a hospital room?”
-Gob, Arrested Development
“What do you think of the name Sudden Valley?” “It makes me think of salad dressing, but for some reason, I don’t want to eat it.”
-Michael, Arrested Development
“The things you own begin to own you.”
-Tyler Durdin, Fight Club
“A flute with no holes is not a flute. A doughnut with no hole is a Danish.”
-Zen Philosopher, Basho
“Forget gun control. We should have bullet control. We should make bullets cost $5000 a piece. If bullets cost $5000, there wouldn’t be any more innocent bystanders!”
-Chris Rock
“Don’t eat red meat. Don’t eat white meat. Fuck that…don’t eat green meat.”
-Chris Rock
“Hold your fuckin’ moment.”
-Some random thug in a Vegas strip club
“You are sooo good looking!”
-Seinfeld
“Well it’s hard to do anything with Captain Cuckoo Bananas in charge.”
-Homer Simpson
“Don’t act like you’re not impressed.”
-Ron Burgundy, Anchor Man
“Jelly doughnut comin’.”
-Doug McKenzie, Strange Brew
“I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.”
-Leslie Nielsen, Airplane!
“Pain don’t hurt.”
-Dalton, Roadhouse
Monday, March 3, 2008
Signs of Aging
Each and every day, I am constantly reminded of how old I am getting. My bones ache, my joints creak and my body is shifting in ways that appear to be irreversible. I understand that this is a natural process of life, but I am frickin’ 32 years old. It just doesn’t seem right.
To the outsider looking at me, my first sign of aging is clearly my hair. I am grey and balding. I emphasize the “ding” part of that word. I am honestly not one of those guys that is holding on to his remaining scraps of hair. I haven’t tried to grow it out for the comb over effect or go for that oh so fashionable Garfunkle look…yet. Besides, I am married. I don’t have to impress anyone anymore.
I don’t see my balding so much as a hair loss, but more of a relocation. I say this because about the same time my hair began leaving my head, it started showing up in other places. I constantly hear a gentle rustling, I have an enchanted forest growing on the small of my back and my ears are warmer. Not only that, I get what I call mutant hairs. I get these random, single hairs that grow out of my eyebrow…overnight. Seriously, I wake up in the morning and there is this 1 ½ inch long grey hair growing out of my brown eyebrow. It wasn’t there when I went to bed. Oh, and to further emphasize my theory, the mutant eyebrow shifted to my ear the other day. What the F is that all about?
And what the hell is with the adult acne? Again, I am 32. I honestly thought that zits went away when you turned 18. Now, I get super zits. They are bigger, uglier and more powerful, like a genetically engineered Lex Luther. They are evil and have impeccable timing as to when to show up and create a crisis on my face. When I was a kid, you could just pop those things, go to bed and when you wake up they are gone. Now, if you dare mess with it you risk a bloody scab spot for weeks. And, of course, the acne is in new places. Sure the back, but the scalp too! This sucks. These are mega zits that can’t be taken care of and can no longer be hidden by a thick mane.
But, to this day, the clearest sign of aging I have come across is when your boys hang lower than your captain. In case you can’t tell what I am talking about, I mean when your balls hang below the tip of your penis. This happens faster for some unfortunate guys, but it is a sign of aging regardless.
To the outsider looking at me, my first sign of aging is clearly my hair. I am grey and balding. I emphasize the “ding” part of that word. I am honestly not one of those guys that is holding on to his remaining scraps of hair. I haven’t tried to grow it out for the comb over effect or go for that oh so fashionable Garfunkle look…yet. Besides, I am married. I don’t have to impress anyone anymore.
I don’t see my balding so much as a hair loss, but more of a relocation. I say this because about the same time my hair began leaving my head, it started showing up in other places. I constantly hear a gentle rustling, I have an enchanted forest growing on the small of my back and my ears are warmer. Not only that, I get what I call mutant hairs. I get these random, single hairs that grow out of my eyebrow…overnight. Seriously, I wake up in the morning and there is this 1 ½ inch long grey hair growing out of my brown eyebrow. It wasn’t there when I went to bed. Oh, and to further emphasize my theory, the mutant eyebrow shifted to my ear the other day. What the F is that all about?
And what the hell is with the adult acne? Again, I am 32. I honestly thought that zits went away when you turned 18. Now, I get super zits. They are bigger, uglier and more powerful, like a genetically engineered Lex Luther. They are evil and have impeccable timing as to when to show up and create a crisis on my face. When I was a kid, you could just pop those things, go to bed and when you wake up they are gone. Now, if you dare mess with it you risk a bloody scab spot for weeks. And, of course, the acne is in new places. Sure the back, but the scalp too! This sucks. These are mega zits that can’t be taken care of and can no longer be hidden by a thick mane.
But, to this day, the clearest sign of aging I have come across is when your boys hang lower than your captain. In case you can’t tell what I am talking about, I mean when your balls hang below the tip of your penis. This happens faster for some unfortunate guys, but it is a sign of aging regardless.
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