Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Spamful Insight?
Should I be concerned that I have seen a recent surge in the amount of erectile dysfunction emails I am receiving?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Joe the Plumber Don't Know Where 5th Avenue Is!
It has been reported that the Republican National Convention has spent over $150K on Sarah Palin's wardrobe and hair. This at a time when Palin is trying to relate to the common American.
Last I checked, Saks 5th Avenue was not on Main Street. They could of spent $150 at Marshall's and gotten away with it.
Way to go Republicans! Congrats on showing Americans what is important to you in this struggling economy. Do you think Joe the Plumber is planning on spending any money on his wardrobe?
The McCain Campaign actually had the nerve to say, "With all the important issues facing the country right now, it's remarkable that we're spending time talking about pantsuits and blouses." THIS IS THE IMPORTANT ISSUE OF THE CAMPAIGN!!!
I F'ing cut my own hair you bastards.
Last I checked, Saks 5th Avenue was not on Main Street. They could of spent $150 at Marshall's and gotten away with it.
Way to go Republicans! Congrats on showing Americans what is important to you in this struggling economy. Do you think Joe the Plumber is planning on spending any money on his wardrobe?
The McCain Campaign actually had the nerve to say, "With all the important issues facing the country right now, it's remarkable that we're spending time talking about pantsuits and blouses." THIS IS THE IMPORTANT ISSUE OF THE CAMPAIGN!!!
I F'ing cut my own hair you bastards.
Friday, October 17, 2008
The Last Stall
Ah the last stall in the bathroom. The last bastion of urban, commercial privacy. Even the pungent musk of an open air debris yard seems tolerable. A place where a man can be alone with his thoughts, his email, his game on his phone...giving way to a new definition of Blackberry.
Why am I so attracted to the last stall? Admittedly, I get excited on my potty break when I enter the lavatory and see it's door laying open oh so gently as if to welcome me home. I know there is no true privacy in a public bathroom, but there is something about the far toilet that gives you a since of solidarity. It is a place where a man is only identifiable by the shoes he is wearing.
Other than the door being closed, no one really knows for sure if you are in there. An embarrasing door check provides the only true answer followed by an awkward "Occupado." Patrons come and go, risking their own humility by breaking wind at the urinals or making noises that should be saved for deucing at home, taking a chance that they too are alone.
There is just something about that last stall that makes me feel secure and confident. It lends itself to brilliant ideas such as this one. I realize this is not my first post regarding the bathroom, but when you spend as much time there as I do...
And flush.
Why am I so attracted to the last stall? Admittedly, I get excited on my potty break when I enter the lavatory and see it's door laying open oh so gently as if to welcome me home. I know there is no true privacy in a public bathroom, but there is something about the far toilet that gives you a since of solidarity. It is a place where a man is only identifiable by the shoes he is wearing.
Other than the door being closed, no one really knows for sure if you are in there. An embarrasing door check provides the only true answer followed by an awkward "Occupado." Patrons come and go, risking their own humility by breaking wind at the urinals or making noises that should be saved for deucing at home, taking a chance that they too are alone.
There is just something about that last stall that makes me feel secure and confident. It lends itself to brilliant ideas such as this one. I realize this is not my first post regarding the bathroom, but when you spend as much time there as I do...
And flush.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
One of Those Days
Overall, having kids is a wonderful thing. It is without a doubt the best decision I have ever made. But some days, I have to wonder.
This morning was very rough for me. I am not a very patient person and in the mornings it is amplified. This is when having kids is particularly difficult.
We, as a family, were running late and I hate being late. My daughter was fussing about something minute and ridiculous. I believe she didn't want to wear the all purple outfit I had picked out (I thought she looked cute!). My son is running around knocking over everything and banging anything and everything onto the floor. There is a tremendous amount of noise and now my daughter is starting to cry. This only adds to my impatience.
I am walking a thin line now between freaking out and just leaving and letting my wife take the kids to their day cares. This last action would probably not allow me to come home anymore. Yet, I am still tempted!
OK, we got my daughter calmed down enough to stop crying, put on her backpack and head out the door. We have successfully caught my son and he is in my arms and we head to the auto.
Getting in the car is pretty successful. No complaints there. The girl is still teary, but attentive. The ride to school is calm and some minor conversing between me and my daughter occurs. She normally gets dropped off first and when we arrive, her tears kick back in. Her teachers try to console her, but nothing is working and she is not letting go of me. I am late, but my heart is melting and I am struggling internally because I need to go and I am worn out emotionally, but she needs me too.
Finally, I break free of her kung fu grip and unfortunately leave the tears to the teachers. My son and I head to his school. No, things aren't better yet because it is now after 8am and this is when all the suck ass drivers leave their houses. So I am dealing with the crap traffic while my son is oblivious telling a story in some weird language that is a cross between English, Spanish and Martian...it is funny, but I am just not in the mood.
We get to his school just in time to have some other jackass parent take the parking spot by the front door as we pull up! I have to let it go...if not I am really going to snap. I park and head around to the back seat to get my boy. As usual, he has taken off his right shoe. Yea, he does this every time we get in the car. I find the shoe and put it back on. He immediately kicks it off again. AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! I am at the breaking point.
I get him out and inside his school. He loses interest in me immediately and I take advantage of this and head out to find salvation. I park the car at home and run inside to drop off the keys, change shoes, grab lunch, kiss wife and hurry to the bus where I can finally sit quietly and just read my book in peace.
Unfortunately, I am having trouble calming down this morning. I can't stop thinking about all the things that I wish were different in my life. I can't stop thinking about the decisions that were made or weren't made. I am getting more and more tired and a little depressed. And then...
I turn the page of my book and there is a giant orange crayon mark going straight up the middle and I smile.
This morning was very rough for me. I am not a very patient person and in the mornings it is amplified. This is when having kids is particularly difficult.
We, as a family, were running late and I hate being late. My daughter was fussing about something minute and ridiculous. I believe she didn't want to wear the all purple outfit I had picked out (I thought she looked cute!). My son is running around knocking over everything and banging anything and everything onto the floor. There is a tremendous amount of noise and now my daughter is starting to cry. This only adds to my impatience.
I am walking a thin line now between freaking out and just leaving and letting my wife take the kids to their day cares. This last action would probably not allow me to come home anymore. Yet, I am still tempted!
OK, we got my daughter calmed down enough to stop crying, put on her backpack and head out the door. We have successfully caught my son and he is in my arms and we head to the auto.
Getting in the car is pretty successful. No complaints there. The girl is still teary, but attentive. The ride to school is calm and some minor conversing between me and my daughter occurs. She normally gets dropped off first and when we arrive, her tears kick back in. Her teachers try to console her, but nothing is working and she is not letting go of me. I am late, but my heart is melting and I am struggling internally because I need to go and I am worn out emotionally, but she needs me too.
Finally, I break free of her kung fu grip and unfortunately leave the tears to the teachers. My son and I head to his school. No, things aren't better yet because it is now after 8am and this is when all the suck ass drivers leave their houses. So I am dealing with the crap traffic while my son is oblivious telling a story in some weird language that is a cross between English, Spanish and Martian...it is funny, but I am just not in the mood.
We get to his school just in time to have some other jackass parent take the parking spot by the front door as we pull up! I have to let it go...if not I am really going to snap. I park and head around to the back seat to get my boy. As usual, he has taken off his right shoe. Yea, he does this every time we get in the car. I find the shoe and put it back on. He immediately kicks it off again. AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! I am at the breaking point.
I get him out and inside his school. He loses interest in me immediately and I take advantage of this and head out to find salvation. I park the car at home and run inside to drop off the keys, change shoes, grab lunch, kiss wife and hurry to the bus where I can finally sit quietly and just read my book in peace.
Unfortunately, I am having trouble calming down this morning. I can't stop thinking about all the things that I wish were different in my life. I can't stop thinking about the decisions that were made or weren't made. I am getting more and more tired and a little depressed. And then...
I turn the page of my book and there is a giant orange crayon mark going straight up the middle and I smile.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Sex Addict Clinic...WHAT???
David Duchovny checked out of a sex addict rehabilitation hospital today. Really? Why did he check in? If I thought this was a real disease, I would check in. I would have to be having sex at least 67 times a day before I thought I had a serious medical condition.
I would imagine, at this clinic and others like it, they just have a giant list of every guy in the world and they check they're names off when they come in. Seems like Masturbation Clinic would be a more appropriate label.
I would imagine, at this clinic and others like it, they just have a giant list of every guy in the world and they check they're names off when they come in. Seems like Masturbation Clinic would be a more appropriate label.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
VP Duh-Bates
Palin mentioned that terrorist countries hated our tolerance. She said this just minutes after flat out saying she was against gay marriage. Does this make her a terrorist?
Overall, I don't much see a winner of this debate. I think the term debate is used rather loosely in these events. It's really been more of a presidential pep rally more than anything else.
Biden has been pretty consistent throughout, I think. He has stuck to his guns, maintained his composure and spoke confidently. I will admit, Palin did a pretty decent job...she should have after being under intense training for the last week. Anyone else ever crammed for a test and then aced it?
Overall, I think Biden gets the nod. Admittedly, i do not like Palin or the Republicans, but when they began talking about foreign issues and policy, Palin got really shaky. She couldn't handle the questions. She has no experience and doesn't know what she is talking about. Biden was very confident in these line of questions. Palin looked nervous, scared and pretty. Might be all she has. Might be.
On a closing note, for the love of shit, stop saying Maverick. McCain is a wuss and is not tough. Maverick is a ridiculous and stupid word to describe him. I don't buy it and I hope America doesn't either.
Overall, I don't much see a winner of this debate. I think the term debate is used rather loosely in these events. It's really been more of a presidential pep rally more than anything else.
Biden has been pretty consistent throughout, I think. He has stuck to his guns, maintained his composure and spoke confidently. I will admit, Palin did a pretty decent job...she should have after being under intense training for the last week. Anyone else ever crammed for a test and then aced it?
Overall, I think Biden gets the nod. Admittedly, i do not like Palin or the Republicans, but when they began talking about foreign issues and policy, Palin got really shaky. She couldn't handle the questions. She has no experience and doesn't know what she is talking about. Biden was very confident in these line of questions. Palin looked nervous, scared and pretty. Might be all she has. Might be.
On a closing note, for the love of shit, stop saying Maverick. McCain is a wuss and is not tough. Maverick is a ridiculous and stupid word to describe him. I don't buy it and I hope America doesn't either.
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