LSD: Mind Expander or Life Prolonger?

Albert Hofmann, the inventor and creator of LSD, passed away today. He created the drug to be used in psychological studies in hopes that it could help cure schizophrenia. Dr. Hofmann, who used the drug frequently to study it's effects, died at the age of 102.

So, this suggests, if you are responsible and use the mind altering, paranoia inducing, jump out a window to prove your flying abilities properly, you will die very old...and you will not see senility coming. Or the ground.

Miley Memoirs

I almost threw up when I saw this headline a few minutes ago. Miley Cyrus just inked a deal to write her memoirs! SHE IS 15 YEARS OLD!!! If that book is longer than 12 pages, I will be very upset.

Lucky for you, I was able to obtain an excert from this sure-to-be masterpiece through my sources. It is as follows:

"I was born November 22, 1992 after an achey-breaky encounter my mom had with a hillbilly hack at a truckstop bathroom. A few years went by and I lucked into a TV role for a children's show. They let me sing and everything, sometimes when it wasn't even the TV show. Now I am 15. I hope you liked my book."

The Pope is Gone! The Pope is Gone!

I am not Catholic, nor am I a big Pope fan. I personally don't get all the hub-bub. Is he magical? Can he turn water into wine? Any healing powers there at all? I suppose he could teach a man to fish, but so could I.

No, I did not make any attempts to go see the Pope or his fancy, "you gotta ride on the small bus," car. I was at home with the rest of my non-Catholic clan. To make him feel better though, if George Bush were in town, I would have attempted to actually get further away.

Procreation Testing

There was a news article today about a child abuse case where the adults put two children into a dryer and turned it on. Yes, extremely horrible. The man that did it, apparently not the father, said he was looking for a cost efficient method to entertain the children. Yea, nice try tard.

I have always been a proponent of there being some kind of test you have to take in order to have children. There are just way too many stupid people out there having children. This doesn't hurt the parents, they are already stupid, but we could eradicate stupidity if some precautionary measures were taken.

Below are some sample questions from the Procreation Test:

#5. What major appliances are safe to place your children in?
A. Refrigerator
B. Dryer
C. Dishwasher
D. None of the Above

#13. You have $10 and no food for your kids. Should you spend the $10 on:
A. Beer
B. Milk and Bread
C. Just put your kids in the dryer
D. Take the money to the track and double it

#19. Your son is acting up and hits you. You should?
A. Put him in the dryer
B. Reprimand him and explain why hitting is wrong
C. Punch him in the face really hard

#24. Your baby wakes up in the middle of the night crying and won't go back to sleep and you have to be at work early. You should:
A. Get up and comfort her until she falls back to sleep
B. Let her cry it out
C. Roll her over so her face is jammed into the mattress
D. Put her in the dryer

#31. Your child says a swear word in public. You should:
A. Pull him aside and explain why that word is improper
B. Tell him to shut the fuck up
C. Toss him in the bed of the truck, speed home and put him in the dryer

If you got any of these sample questions wrong, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN. If you got them right, but still aren't confident in yourself or your partner, please seek out the entire test at your local child abuse prevention facility. Best of luck to you and please make the right choice. Answer key below.


ANSWERS: #5. D; #13. B; #19. B; #24 A or B; #31. A

Would You Rather?

Today's question is, as a presidential candidate, would you rather have the backing of Bruce Springstein or have your wife, and potential First Lady, busted publicly for stealing recipes and claiming them as her own?

I guess you gotta go with the Boss. I really don't understand how who Bruce Springstein is supporting politically is newsworthy, but it made headlines today. I suppose it cannot hurt your campaign. Surely there is a large contingency of voters out there that doesn't make a move until the E Street Band does.

As for Mrs. McCain, I know this wasn't your fault. You probably didn't even know your husband's website was even posting your so-called favorite recipes. But, in case you did, own up to it instead of making some poor intern take the blame. How can you even blame a lowly intern for this anyhow? There is no way an intern is allowed to make executive decisions about what goes on a candidate's official website, no matter how incredibly stupid the content.

So, overall, sure, take the Boss' support, but don't publish really, really dumb things on your website.

Rap Video = Soft Porn

I have come to realize that there is not much difference between rap videos and soft porn. Both feature bad acting, scantly clad females and less than attractive men that seem to be overly attractive to the females. Either way, much like soft porn, rap videos make me H to the O to the R to the N to the Y!

Reverse Discrimination

I used to live in San Francisco for 7 years. Now, I know what you are thinking, and let me lay your assumptions to rest…I moved out there with a woman, I married that woman, she still is a woman. So let’s just get past that.

San Francisco was a hard place to live because there is still so much discrimination. I remember a Saturday afternoon when my wife and I were walking through the Castro holding hands. I could feel the stares and mean looks and then, from over my shoulder, I hear that familiar, hateful lisp, “Do they have to do that in public? Jesus Christ!”

And, you know, it hurts. You tell yourself you can get used to it, but you just can’t. We straight people have come so far and fought so hard to be considered equals with the gays and yet, this persecution still exists. When will we finally live in a free society

Magic Fingers

I have never understood why there are so many people in this world that think they can push an elevator button better than I can. Like they have magic fingers that can summon an elevator car with far superior skills than my old bony digits.

They see you push the button or see you standing there beside a button that is clearly illuminated, but they can't resist giving it another poke. You can see it in their eyes too, "Oh, this guy only made the button light up. I can actually make the elevator come to this floor with my finger."

The same goes for when these people get on the elevator. "Well, sure he already pushed the button, but how do I know the elevator is actually going to go that floor which just so happens to be the same floor I want to go to? I had better push it again so that I know it was done right with my super special finger."

So let me just say to all you back-up button pushers out there...you are not better than me at pushing elevator buttons. If the button lit up, I did a damn good job. Your fingers are not magic and you are not special. Leave the poor button alone. It's just trying to do what it does and it doesn't need any added abuse from you button snobs.

Today's Thought

You know you have been married for a while when you start finding female cartoon characters attractive.

The Life and Death of Rap

I have had the opportunity over the past couple of months to watch an ass load of music videos. This includes a wide variety of rap videos dating from the early 80s to present day. I believe we are witnessing the death of rap music.

It seems that hip-hop performers are basically running out of stuff to rap about. Everything has been done. Rappers have always been successful by rapping about what they know, i.e. their surroundings, their neighborhoods, the people they know in these surroundings and neighborhoods. But now, everyone has heard everything about this. There is nothing new to report and they are running out of things to rap about.

I have noticed that the life cycle of rap music is very similar to that of the human life cycle. In the early 80s, rap was in its infancy. It stumbled around and was clumsy as it learned and tried to find its way in the world. As it grew and became more knowledgeable, the work became more artistic, fresh and worthwhile. Now, it is in its later stages of life. It has slowed down, the thought processes are more generic and it doesn’t have that pizzazz that it once did.

Seriously, how many songs can their be about rims? It is getting very dumb. Let me quote one lyric I heard recently, “She made us drinks to drink, we drank them and got drunk.” What the hell does this even mean?

Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. There are still some very good rap artists out there, but just a few. The elderly are similar to this as their time approaches. Some are still vibrant, outgoing and contribute to something to world around them, but most of them really don’t do a whole lot.

One more note about rap music…how insecure are these people? No one ever performs by themselves anymore. It is always someone featuring someone else. Nut up…stand on your own like your rapping forefathers.

Today's Thought

I have been a groomsman several times, but never a best man. Apparently, I know lots of people that consider me a good friend, just not their go to guy.