Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Today's Thought
In our era of political correctness and our continued search for environmental efficiencies, we should start referring to transvestites as hybrids.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
You make the call
Possible captions for this photo:1. Your honor student is not smarter than me!
2. Oh my god! What have you done? Where is your sister???
3. You're next pal!
4. Too early to start shaving?
5. You looking at me? Are you looking at me?
6. Yea it's blood! Whadaya think, it's a popsicle?
7. You should see the other guy!
8. BRING IT ON!!!
9. My Dad told me to go to bed once...ONCE!
10. Oh, you're supposed to cook the kabobs first!
By the way, before you start thinking I am completely demented, this is my son Dylan.
Unfair Moments in the History of Brian
I currently work on the 51st floor of a 53 story building. Glamorous, I know, until I left a little bit ago for lunch.
I was waiting patiently for the elevator as you have to working so high up. I had eaten my lunch at my desk, but was going to go sit in Bryant Park and read for a while (I like to make my brains more learned).
The elevator doors finally opened and I stepped into an empty box as is often the case. As the doors were closing, not permitting me to get off anymore, I was overcome with a foul stench that can only be associated with one thing...a human fart.
I will be the first to admit I have done my fair share of gas passing in my time and furthermore, I am more than willing to accept the blame for such erroneous behavior when it is my fault. I say this to point out that I understand human behavior when it comes to bodily expulsion and will now and forever revere poop humor as the one aspect of funny that will always be funny. As a comedian and student of all things humorous, I do feel leaving a fart in an empty elevator is a very funny thing to do. Unless you are the next unknowing passenger, which today was me.
I had accepted my fate, doomed to ride to the lobby with this smell manned with only the hope the the elevator would be on an express route. But today was not to be my day. The elevator made about 5 more stops on the way down.
What I quickly began to realize was that each person that boarded the elevator was smelling the same thing I was. And much like me, they knew that they had not done it. And when you know that it was not you, you have to point the finger at someone. And who else was on the elevator? Yup, me.
Now, if it had been all guys coming aboard, it probably wouldn't of been so awkward. But, to my dismay and fitting of my current situation, every person that got on at each stop was an attractive woman. The only silver lining I had to the musty SBD (silent but deadly for all of you who have officially grown up and forgotten this delightful acronym), is that I am married and have long ago given up on seriously trying to attract other women.
Also, this situation shined a light on a case of reverse discrimination. The first woman that got on the elevator had every right to assume it was me that had done the pooting. But the subsequent female passengers could not assume this. They had to at least take the other ladies into consideration, but I could tell they had already found me guilty despite my right to poo process. Just because you don't fart in elevators, ladies, does not mean all of your other gender buddies follow your lead. Don't assume it was a guy just cause farting is theoretically a guy thing to do. You want equal respect? Then share in the fart blame!
Still, having to ride down 51 floors with several women (did I mention that they were all attractive?), all of whom were silently pointing their fingers at me for their suffering, was not one of my more favorable moments in my life.
Yes, most people would keep a story like this to themselves, but I felt the world should know about it. Maybe it will make you think twice before leaving an aromatic present in a confined space. Or maybe it will make you sympathize with me and send me fresh baked cookies. Regardless, now you know and you forever will.
I was waiting patiently for the elevator as you have to working so high up. I had eaten my lunch at my desk, but was going to go sit in Bryant Park and read for a while (I like to make my brains more learned).
The elevator doors finally opened and I stepped into an empty box as is often the case. As the doors were closing, not permitting me to get off anymore, I was overcome with a foul stench that can only be associated with one thing...a human fart.
I will be the first to admit I have done my fair share of gas passing in my time and furthermore, I am more than willing to accept the blame for such erroneous behavior when it is my fault. I say this to point out that I understand human behavior when it comes to bodily expulsion and will now and forever revere poop humor as the one aspect of funny that will always be funny. As a comedian and student of all things humorous, I do feel leaving a fart in an empty elevator is a very funny thing to do. Unless you are the next unknowing passenger, which today was me.
I had accepted my fate, doomed to ride to the lobby with this smell manned with only the hope the the elevator would be on an express route. But today was not to be my day. The elevator made about 5 more stops on the way down.
What I quickly began to realize was that each person that boarded the elevator was smelling the same thing I was. And much like me, they knew that they had not done it. And when you know that it was not you, you have to point the finger at someone. And who else was on the elevator? Yup, me.
Now, if it had been all guys coming aboard, it probably wouldn't of been so awkward. But, to my dismay and fitting of my current situation, every person that got on at each stop was an attractive woman. The only silver lining I had to the musty SBD (silent but deadly for all of you who have officially grown up and forgotten this delightful acronym), is that I am married and have long ago given up on seriously trying to attract other women.
Also, this situation shined a light on a case of reverse discrimination. The first woman that got on the elevator had every right to assume it was me that had done the pooting. But the subsequent female passengers could not assume this. They had to at least take the other ladies into consideration, but I could tell they had already found me guilty despite my right to poo process. Just because you don't fart in elevators, ladies, does not mean all of your other gender buddies follow your lead. Don't assume it was a guy just cause farting is theoretically a guy thing to do. You want equal respect? Then share in the fart blame!
Still, having to ride down 51 floors with several women (did I mention that they were all attractive?), all of whom were silently pointing their fingers at me for their suffering, was not one of my more favorable moments in my life.
Yes, most people would keep a story like this to themselves, but I felt the world should know about it. Maybe it will make you think twice before leaving an aromatic present in a confined space. Or maybe it will make you sympathize with me and send me fresh baked cookies. Regardless, now you know and you forever will.
Monday, July 14, 2008
New Yorker Cover
Obama Camp: Satirical magazine cover 'tasteless'
Pierce Camp: Satirical magazine cover 'funny'
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jNPgefV9BiTHTv8K2VaxcvZbkjAQD91TQQ1G0
Pierce Camp: Satirical magazine cover 'funny'
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jNPgefV9BiTHTv8K2VaxcvZbkjAQD91TQQ1G0
Friday, July 11, 2008
If I Were a Rich Man
If I had the money, and were just a touch more religious, I think I would start a Christian Rock radio station West of the Mississippi so I could have the call letters WWJD.
Nothing says 'Yay God' more than a purely hard rock song about the teachings of Christ. I am sure Jesus and his 12 buddies regularly listened to hard rock (literally...I think they only had instruments made of rocks back then) and often joined in a spirited mosh pit in recognition of his old man.
It would be fun to be a DJ at the station. You get to say things like, "Welcome back to 94.5 FM, WWJD. What Would Jesus Do? He would ROCK! You were just listening to 'I Got Soul and I am A Soldier...of God' by Joseph and the Wisemen. Coming up next we have a diddy from the JC Crew called 'GodRock.' It'll melt your bible. And we'll have more from Faith Go More right after these messages from Garden of Eden Air Fresheners. It'll remove even the smell of the devil!"
Nothing says 'Yay God' more than a purely hard rock song about the teachings of Christ. I am sure Jesus and his 12 buddies regularly listened to hard rock (literally...I think they only had instruments made of rocks back then) and often joined in a spirited mosh pit in recognition of his old man.
It would be fun to be a DJ at the station. You get to say things like, "Welcome back to 94.5 FM, WWJD. What Would Jesus Do? He would ROCK! You were just listening to 'I Got Soul and I am A Soldier...of God' by Joseph and the Wisemen. Coming up next we have a diddy from the JC Crew called 'GodRock.' It'll melt your bible. And we'll have more from Faith Go More right after these messages from Garden of Eden Air Fresheners. It'll remove even the smell of the devil!"
Thursday, July 3, 2008
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