Football is almost here
A wonderful time for me
I smile quite big
Run, hit, catch, score
I scream and yell at the TV
Heart pumping too fast
I love LSU and the Saints
Best football teams ever
I love them
National Championship
Superbowl coming
LSU and Saints rule
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Unfortunate Gods
The Greeks had many Gods. Each one was responsible for a certain aspect of existence. Poseidon was the God of the Sea. Athena was the Goddess of wisdom and warfare. And Zeus ruled over all of them.
All we ever here about are the prominent gods. In a society governed by multiple deities, surely there were gods for everything. If Aphrodite managed your love life and Hades ruled the underworld, there must of been gods in charge of diseases, misfortune and every day occurrences.
Listed below are the lesser known Gods that watched over ancient Greece:
Testiclees - God of Erectile Dysfunction
Exlaxius - God of Digestion
Ticketus - Goddess of Parking Cops
Peeburnis - God of Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Linelength - God of DMVs
Halfy- Goddess of Divorce
Bitchus - Goddess of Ex-Wives (sister of Halfy)
Peakustooyoungus - God of Peta files
Mindnumbnus - God of After School Programming
Bob - God of Boredom
All we ever here about are the prominent gods. In a society governed by multiple deities, surely there were gods for everything. If Aphrodite managed your love life and Hades ruled the underworld, there must of been gods in charge of diseases, misfortune and every day occurrences.
Listed below are the lesser known Gods that watched over ancient Greece:
Testiclees - God of Erectile Dysfunction
Exlaxius - God of Digestion
Ticketus - Goddess of Parking Cops
Peeburnis - God of Sexually Transmitted Diseases
Linelength - God of DMVs
Halfy- Goddess of Divorce
Bitchus - Goddess of Ex-Wives (sister of Halfy)
Peakustooyoungus - God of Peta files
Mindnumbnus - God of After School Programming
Bob - God of Boredom
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
An Important Forward
From time to time, I am overrun with email forwards from friends and family members. The majority of the forwards I receive do have some religious undertone to them. Most of them are pretty dumb and I pass over them without a second thought (I never forward them again...it's a personal policy. You're welcome).
But, every once in a while, I do get one that is just so dumb, it is offensive. Below is one such forward from someone I know in the deep South. I would just like to point out for the record that I do not necessarily believe the person that sent this supports the statements or believes it to be true. I am more pointing out that it came from someone I know below the Mason-Dixon where I am sad to say, beliefs often confuse reality.
The forward is a supposed letter from David Letterman of late night fame. As the story unfolds, I think it will be quite clear that our beloved television icon had nothing to do with this and that it is merely a misguided attempt to get succeptable people to believe in a really, realy dumb initiative. Shame on the originator of this email.
I will be addressing each point made by "Mr. Letterman" as you read along. You will have to excuse all the typos and misplaced question marks. I felt it was important to capture the essence of a forward and you need to suffer as I did. Enjoy...
"We are so spoiled"
? ????????????? ?by David Letterman ? ? ?
David Letterman wrote this; Duh!
?it's the David we?don't often see...? Or never, ever will
' As most of you know I am not a President?Bush fan, nor have I ever been, but this is not?about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it?seems to hit the mark?
'The other day I was reading Newsweekmagazine and came across some Poll data I found?rather hard to believe. It must be true given?the source, right?? Clearly
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67?percent of Americans are unhappy with the?direction the country is headed and 69 percent of?the country is unhappy with the performance of?the President. In essence 2/3 of the citizenry?just ain't happy and want a change. So being the?knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, 'What?are we so unhappy about?''? How does dragging knuckles correlate with thinking?
A.. Is it that we have electricity and?running water 24 hours a day, 7 Days a week?? Is this a major concern to Americans? Maybe it is the ridiculously high rates we pay for these services?
B.. Is our unhappiness the result of?having air conditioning in the summer and heating?in the winter?? Well, I am happy when I am not burning up or freezing. Is that wrong?
C.. Could it be that 95.4 percent of?these unhappy folks have a job?? And what percentage of these job havers make more than minimum wage?
D.. Maybe it is the ability to walk?into a grocery store at any time and see more?food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last?year?? Have you been in a grocery store lately? $5 for a gallon of milk for my kids? I feel like I am a Darfurian (sp?). This is exactly what Americans are unhappy about. This is the definition of a recession.
E.. Maybe it is the ability to drive our?cars and trucks from the Pacific Ocean to the?Atlantic Ocean without having to presentidentification papers as we move through each?state?? Are you not allowed to drive in other countries without presenting identification papers? When you leave those countries, sure, but you have to do that here to. Even to go to Canada!
F.. Or possibly the h undreds of clean?and safe motels we would find along the way that?can provide temporary shelter?? By clean and safe, are we referring to the motels that charge by the night or by the hour?
G.. I guess having thousands of?restaurants with varying cuisine from around the?world is jus t not good enough either.? Damn the soft immigration laws!!! Would we starve if they were stricter?
H. Or could it be that when we wreck?our car, emergency workers show up and provide?services to help all and even send a helicopter?to take you to the hospital.? Where you will receive outrageous bills following your visit due to the messed up medical insurance fiasco that our nation is suffering through that Bush has done nothing about.
I.. Perhaps you are one of the 70?percent of Americans who own a home.? Let us not forget the skyrocketting foreclosure rate. Also, I find it interesting the 95% of us work, but only 70% can afford a home. You're right, things are going really well. Please, continue.
J.. You may be upset with knowing that?in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of?trained firefighters will appear in moments and?use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames,?thus saving you, your family, and your?belongings.? Top notch equipment like...water. I do agree how much it must suck in countries where water does not exist.
K.. Or if, while at home watching one?of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or?prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun?and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you?and your family against attack or loss .? Did the officer come in with the prowler? How did he get there so fast? I smell conspiracy!!! How many flat screens do people normally have? Am I falling behind in this area? I must remember to ask my butler how many he has.
L.. This all in the backdrop of a?neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and?pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where?90% of teenagers own cell phones and computers.? Admittedly, I have not seen any bombs in my neighborhood, but there are a shit load of raping militias. The bastards pillaged my many, many flat screens.
M.. How about the complete religious,?social and political freedoms we enjoy that are?the envy of everyone in the world?? The world is envious. So envious that they decided we had two too many buildings in New York because of it.
Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks?unhappy.? Maybe.
Fact is, we are the largest group of?ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever?seen. Hold on now...don't forget the Hiltons. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet?has a great disdain for its citizens. They see?us for what we are. The most blessed people in?the world who do nothing but complain about what?we don't have, and what we hate about the country?instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.? Thank you God.
I know, I know. What about the?president who took us into war and has no plan to?get us out? The president who has a measly 31?percent approval rating? Is this the same?president who guided the nation in the dark days?after 9/11? Yes it is...it is also the same President that did nothing to prevent 9/11. The president that cut taxes to?bring an economy out of recession? A recession that he caused and we are still in. Did we get out? Could this?be the same guy who has been called every name in?the book for succeeding in keeping all the?spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist?attacks? Ahem...9/11. Surprised you forgot that one seeing how you just mentioned it. The commander in chief of an?all-volunteer army that is out there defending?you and me?? Out THERE defending you and me...how about defending me here? Remember, there are backyard bombs and raping militias.
Did you hear how bad the President is?on the news or talk show? Yes. Did this news affect?you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't?take a look around for yourself and see all the?good things and be glad? Yes. Think about?it......are you upset at the President because he?actually caused you personal pain OR is it?because the 'Media' told you he was failing to?kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.? Thank you, once again, for guiding me through life oh wonderful, all knowing Media. Make no mistake about it.? I won't...not anymore Mr. letterman.
The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have?died for your freedom. Really, they volunteered to fly half way around the world and start a war that was built on false pretenses? Really? There is currently no?draft in this country. WHAT??? They didn't have to go.? Yes they did. They are able to refuse to go and end up with?either a ''general'' discharge, an 'other than?honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a?''dishonorable' ' discharge after a few days in?the brig.? Do you know how hard it is to get a job when you have been dishonorably discharged? Might affect that 95.4% employment rate...which is more like 94.3% BTW. How about premature discharge? Will that look better on a resume?
So why then the flat-out discontentmentin the minds of 69 percent of Americans?? Bush. I thought we covered this already.
Say what you want but I blame it on the media. Which I, David Letterman, am a member of. If it bleeds it leads and they?specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a?car crash with blood and guts How many will?watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? Probably a lot of those previously mentioned militia members would. The?media knows this and media outlets are for-profit?corporations. Weird...for-profit organizations in a capitalist society. They offer what sells, and when?criticized, try to defend their actions by'justifying' them in one way or another. Justifying them in one way or another...is there any other way to justify something? Just ask?why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J.?Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill?his wife, but if he did he would have done it?this way......Insane!? I may not agree with O.J.'s verdict, but he was acquitted. Calling him a murderer kind of contradicts your argument about the Media leading us the way they do. Just throwing that out there.
Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New?York Times for the bottom of your bird cage.? I am sick and tired of people assuming I have a bird!!! Then start being grateful for all we have as?country. There is exponentially more good than?bad. We are among the most blessed people on?Earth and should thank God several times a day,? like a muslim? or at least be thankful and appreciative.' 'With?hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud?slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up?the country from one end to another, and with the?threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we?sure this is a good time to take God out of the?Pledge of Allegiance?' How the fuck did we get to this conclusion??? What an amazing secret agenda Mr. Letterman. I am blown away by your senseless ramblings that masked your true plans. Bravo, sir, bravo!
????????????????? David Letterman?
Please keep this in circulation.
?There?are so many people who need to read this!
I will allow you to draw your own conclusions from this very legitimate and concerning plea from David Letterman. Believe of it what you must, but never assume all is what it appears to be.
Now, If you don't mind, I am off to watch my many flat screens while I fortify my home from raping militias with bombs, phone carrying computer having teenagers with jobs that own homes despite their dishonorable discharges from an undrafted and willing military that receives its directions from the media, headquartered behind a plentiful produce section of a Darfur grocery that employs a variety of waterless firefighters and prowling policemen celebrating their religous and political freedoms that are the envy of a world that hates our buildings.
Have a nice day.
But, every once in a while, I do get one that is just so dumb, it is offensive. Below is one such forward from someone I know in the deep South. I would just like to point out for the record that I do not necessarily believe the person that sent this supports the statements or believes it to be true. I am more pointing out that it came from someone I know below the Mason-Dixon where I am sad to say, beliefs often confuse reality.
The forward is a supposed letter from David Letterman of late night fame. As the story unfolds, I think it will be quite clear that our beloved television icon had nothing to do with this and that it is merely a misguided attempt to get succeptable people to believe in a really, realy dumb initiative. Shame on the originator of this email.
I will be addressing each point made by "Mr. Letterman" as you read along. You will have to excuse all the typos and misplaced question marks. I felt it was important to capture the essence of a forward and you need to suffer as I did. Enjoy...
"We are so spoiled"
? ????????????? ?by David Letterman ? ? ?
David Letterman wrote this; Duh!
?it's the David we?don't often see...? Or never, ever will
' As most of you know I am not a President?Bush fan, nor have I ever been, but this is not?about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it?seems to hit the mark?
'The other day I was reading Newsweekmagazine and came across some Poll data I found?rather hard to believe. It must be true given?the source, right?? Clearly
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67?percent of Americans are unhappy with the?direction the country is headed and 69 percent of?the country is unhappy with the performance of?the President. In essence 2/3 of the citizenry?just ain't happy and want a change. So being the?knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, 'What?are we so unhappy about?''? How does dragging knuckles correlate with thinking?
A.. Is it that we have electricity and?running water 24 hours a day, 7 Days a week?? Is this a major concern to Americans? Maybe it is the ridiculously high rates we pay for these services?
B.. Is our unhappiness the result of?having air conditioning in the summer and heating?in the winter?? Well, I am happy when I am not burning up or freezing. Is that wrong?
C.. Could it be that 95.4 percent of?these unhappy folks have a job?? And what percentage of these job havers make more than minimum wage?
D.. Maybe it is the ability to walk?into a grocery store at any time and see more?food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last?year?? Have you been in a grocery store lately? $5 for a gallon of milk for my kids? I feel like I am a Darfurian (sp?). This is exactly what Americans are unhappy about. This is the definition of a recession.
E.. Maybe it is the ability to drive our?cars and trucks from the Pacific Ocean to the?Atlantic Ocean without having to presentidentification papers as we move through each?state?? Are you not allowed to drive in other countries without presenting identification papers? When you leave those countries, sure, but you have to do that here to. Even to go to Canada!
F.. Or possibly the h undreds of clean?and safe motels we would find along the way that?can provide temporary shelter?? By clean and safe, are we referring to the motels that charge by the night or by the hour?
G.. I guess having thousands of?restaurants with varying cuisine from around the?world is jus t not good enough either.? Damn the soft immigration laws!!! Would we starve if they were stricter?
H. Or could it be that when we wreck?our car, emergency workers show up and provide?services to help all and even send a helicopter?to take you to the hospital.? Where you will receive outrageous bills following your visit due to the messed up medical insurance fiasco that our nation is suffering through that Bush has done nothing about.
I.. Perhaps you are one of the 70?percent of Americans who own a home.? Let us not forget the skyrocketting foreclosure rate. Also, I find it interesting the 95% of us work, but only 70% can afford a home. You're right, things are going really well. Please, continue.
J.. You may be upset with knowing that?in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of?trained firefighters will appear in moments and?use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames,?thus saving you, your family, and your?belongings.? Top notch equipment like...water. I do agree how much it must suck in countries where water does not exist.
K.. Or if, while at home watching one?of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or?prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun?and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you?and your family against attack or loss .? Did the officer come in with the prowler? How did he get there so fast? I smell conspiracy!!! How many flat screens do people normally have? Am I falling behind in this area? I must remember to ask my butler how many he has.
L.. This all in the backdrop of a?neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and?pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where?90% of teenagers own cell phones and computers.? Admittedly, I have not seen any bombs in my neighborhood, but there are a shit load of raping militias. The bastards pillaged my many, many flat screens.
M.. How about the complete religious,?social and political freedoms we enjoy that are?the envy of everyone in the world?? The world is envious. So envious that they decided we had two too many buildings in New York because of it.
Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks?unhappy.? Maybe.
Fact is, we are the largest group of?ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever?seen. Hold on now...don't forget the Hiltons. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet?has a great disdain for its citizens. They see?us for what we are. The most blessed people in?the world who do nothing but complain about what?we don't have, and what we hate about the country?instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.? Thank you God.
I know, I know. What about the?president who took us into war and has no plan to?get us out? The president who has a measly 31?percent approval rating? Is this the same?president who guided the nation in the dark days?after 9/11? Yes it is...it is also the same President that did nothing to prevent 9/11. The president that cut taxes to?bring an economy out of recession? A recession that he caused and we are still in. Did we get out? Could this?be the same guy who has been called every name in?the book for succeeding in keeping all the?spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist?attacks? Ahem...9/11. Surprised you forgot that one seeing how you just mentioned it. The commander in chief of an?all-volunteer army that is out there defending?you and me?? Out THERE defending you and me...how about defending me here? Remember, there are backyard bombs and raping militias.
Did you hear how bad the President is?on the news or talk show? Yes. Did this news affect?you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't?take a look around for yourself and see all the?good things and be glad? Yes. Think about?it......are you upset at the President because he?actually caused you personal pain OR is it?because the 'Media' told you he was failing to?kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.? Thank you, once again, for guiding me through life oh wonderful, all knowing Media. Make no mistake about it.? I won't...not anymore Mr. letterman.
The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have?died for your freedom. Really, they volunteered to fly half way around the world and start a war that was built on false pretenses? Really? There is currently no?draft in this country. WHAT??? They didn't have to go.? Yes they did. They are able to refuse to go and end up with?either a ''general'' discharge, an 'other than?honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a?''dishonorable' ' discharge after a few days in?the brig.? Do you know how hard it is to get a job when you have been dishonorably discharged? Might affect that 95.4% employment rate...which is more like 94.3% BTW. How about premature discharge? Will that look better on a resume?
So why then the flat-out discontentmentin the minds of 69 percent of Americans?? Bush. I thought we covered this already.
Say what you want but I blame it on the media. Which I, David Letterman, am a member of. If it bleeds it leads and they?specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a?car crash with blood and guts How many will?watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? Probably a lot of those previously mentioned militia members would. The?media knows this and media outlets are for-profit?corporations. Weird...for-profit organizations in a capitalist society. They offer what sells, and when?criticized, try to defend their actions by'justifying' them in one way or another. Justifying them in one way or another...is there any other way to justify something? Just ask?why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J.?Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill?his wife, but if he did he would have done it?this way......Insane!? I may not agree with O.J.'s verdict, but he was acquitted. Calling him a murderer kind of contradicts your argument about the Media leading us the way they do. Just throwing that out there.
Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New?York Times for the bottom of your bird cage.? I am sick and tired of people assuming I have a bird!!! Then start being grateful for all we have as?country. There is exponentially more good than?bad. We are among the most blessed people on?Earth and should thank God several times a day,? like a muslim? or at least be thankful and appreciative.' 'With?hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud?slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up?the country from one end to another, and with the?threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we?sure this is a good time to take God out of the?Pledge of Allegiance?' How the fuck did we get to this conclusion??? What an amazing secret agenda Mr. Letterman. I am blown away by your senseless ramblings that masked your true plans. Bravo, sir, bravo!
????????????????? David Letterman?
Please keep this in circulation.
?There?are so many people who need to read this!
I will allow you to draw your own conclusions from this very legitimate and concerning plea from David Letterman. Believe of it what you must, but never assume all is what it appears to be.
Now, If you don't mind, I am off to watch my many flat screens while I fortify my home from raping militias with bombs, phone carrying computer having teenagers with jobs that own homes despite their dishonorable discharges from an undrafted and willing military that receives its directions from the media, headquartered behind a plentiful produce section of a Darfur grocery that employs a variety of waterless firefighters and prowling policemen celebrating their religous and political freedoms that are the envy of a world that hates our buildings.
Have a nice day.
Monday, August 18, 2008
The Thing About Quitting...
It sucks. Everything about it sucks. It just sucks.
I am sure some things are harder to quit than others. Heroin may be harder than porn. Cigarettes may be harder than booze. Giving rides to elementary school children that aren't yours may be the hardest of all. I don't know. But, no matter what it is, it is no fun to have to quit something.
Once something becomes a part of you and you decide to cut it out, you are left with a void. You got to fill it some way. I say use sex. Why the hell not.
I am sure some things are harder to quit than others. Heroin may be harder than porn. Cigarettes may be harder than booze. Giving rides to elementary school children that aren't yours may be the hardest of all. I don't know. But, no matter what it is, it is no fun to have to quit something.
Once something becomes a part of you and you decide to cut it out, you are left with a void. You got to fill it some way. I say use sex. Why the hell not.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Synchronize This!
As most of the television viewing world, I have spent the last week watching the Summer Olympics. I find myself getting deeply involved in sports that I did not even know existed.
Women's handball, for one. I knew of handball and I knew of women (a little), but I had never thought of combining the two. Certainly not into a very physical and slightly vicious team contest. But they have and it sucked me in like a human sized Hoover.
During my Olympic couching sessions, I found myself watching synchronized diving and I thought to my self, "This is a sport?" I am impressed by diving, I am. But not by two people doing it together, I am not.
In some way, I can trace every sport back to where it can relate to an every day situation. Swimming - not just a sport, but a way of not drowning. Track - not just a sport, but a way to run away from something in a superior fashion when needed. Even regular, singles Diving - an art form yes, but also, say someone is chasing you and you reach a cliff. What to do??? A regular person would fall to their death in the waters below or be killed by the pursuer on the edge of the cliff, most likely still falling off the cliff, dying on the way down, or again, on impact. But a professional diver stands a chance of surviving the jump and the would be assassin, who probably isn't a professional diver, would not dare follow and everyone lives. Yay!
Most of the Olympic sports can be traced back in this fashion, but I cannot think of any situation, whether realistic of fantastical, that two people would have to jump off something and do the exact same thing on the way down. I have racked my brain and my imagination and come up with even less than a Chinese splash.
Speaking of Chinese...the Chinese synchronized diving women have taken their synchronicity (thanks Sting) to a new level. They even sport the exact same terrible hair cuts. Kind of freaky looking. Kudos on your commitment, but never forget the world is watching.
Women's handball, for one. I knew of handball and I knew of women (a little), but I had never thought of combining the two. Certainly not into a very physical and slightly vicious team contest. But they have and it sucked me in like a human sized Hoover.
During my Olympic couching sessions, I found myself watching synchronized diving and I thought to my self, "This is a sport?" I am impressed by diving, I am. But not by two people doing it together, I am not.
In some way, I can trace every sport back to where it can relate to an every day situation. Swimming - not just a sport, but a way of not drowning. Track - not just a sport, but a way to run away from something in a superior fashion when needed. Even regular, singles Diving - an art form yes, but also, say someone is chasing you and you reach a cliff. What to do??? A regular person would fall to their death in the waters below or be killed by the pursuer on the edge of the cliff, most likely still falling off the cliff, dying on the way down, or again, on impact. But a professional diver stands a chance of surviving the jump and the would be assassin, who probably isn't a professional diver, would not dare follow and everyone lives. Yay!
Most of the Olympic sports can be traced back in this fashion, but I cannot think of any situation, whether realistic of fantastical, that two people would have to jump off something and do the exact same thing on the way down. I have racked my brain and my imagination and come up with even less than a Chinese splash.
Speaking of Chinese...the Chinese synchronized diving women have taken their synchronicity (thanks Sting) to a new level. They even sport the exact same terrible hair cuts. Kind of freaky looking. Kudos on your commitment, but never forget the world is watching.
Sorry
I apologize, yet again, for not posting more often. I seem to be having a little more inspiration lately, but my ideas are not being formulated into full length rants yet. I am posting today and as always, am hopeful for the future. We ask that you please bare with us during these turbulent times.
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